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Hardy2
June 14, 2006

Low Tidings


Man, I'm glad skool's finally over cause this has been one lousy year. Between the breathalyzer tests and the mace and the deer carcasses and all the freakin' backbiting and the Nazis and Latinos and all we hardly learnt nuthin. Nuthin new bout that!

We did learnt a lot about Math but not in Math class. I mean, Missus Kelley has been there for like what, 25 years and she has the same old lessons she had when she started and she hasn't taught one kid nuthin we didn't already know in all that time.

We did find out what she makes from the newspaper — $116,000! That's for those of you not good wit numbers, a hunnerd and sixteen thousand freakin dollars!

So Margie Turnbull starts playin on her calculator, right? Missus Kelley makes $126,000 a year, but she don't work a full year. Margie's father Earl, who drives a dump truck, told us he works 250 days a year — five days a week with two weeks off per year, and that comes to, well, whatever Earl says it does!

Mrs. Kelley only works 180 days. But she gets like three weeks personal vacation and sick days and stuff like that so she probably works like, I dunno, 165 days or something. Earl says she really works about two-thirds what regular people work.

There's more. Mrs. Kelley comes in at eight, she's in the teachers lounge by 9:45, she's eating by noon and her big butt is outta here by 2:50. She teaches five 45 minute classes (and one of them is a freakin study hall!) so that's roughly four hours per day.

So here's what Jaime Courtland and Pete Greenberg figured.

If Mrs. Kelley worked a full year, she'd be makin' $167, 580 buckaroonies. If she worked a full day, she'd be makin something like, $335,000. In other words, she makes more per hour than Snoop Doggy and 50 Cent combined!

There's more. Thanks to folks like Luke and my Dad and Mom, who everybody knows run the dry cleaners on Main Street, the skool board has arranged for Mrs. Kelley to retire while she's still young enough to continue to shove mashed potatoes down for the next 40 years and get paid to do it. And should she or any member of her family get sick from all that food or from the arsenic in the ground or from the bird flu or from a terrorist attack, don't worry the skool is paying for insurance for her whole family, even her obnoxious son Norman we all hate and wish would ketch a disease really soon.

So how come the skool board members never ask us kids how to make the skool better? Cause they know what we would say:

Here is my list of Ways To Make Our School Like a Normal Skool Where-In Kids Learn Stuff and Crap:

1. Get rid of all the old cows who git paid for teachin' us nuthin.

2. Kill Norman Kelley by tying him to the back of Matt DeNardo's truck and draggin' him through the woods.

3. Let us drink and smoke.

4. Torture Superintendent Bomboleeni until he admits he's not a real Doctor.

5. Make Marybeth Kearns put out fer me.

6. Make books with more pictures and less writing.

7. One word: Naptime!

8. Git me a new truck.

9. Make the Latinos speak English.

10. Serve marshmallow Sundaes in Science Class

My mom says we kan't afford to pay any more taxes. She blames the skool cause I don't have ambition and don't want to go to Munity College. Nows I think I will though cause my fiends Bruce Havens and Mikey Pierce go and they say they smoke pot all day and don't learnt much of anything and listen to music in the lounge and eat chips and stuff like that. The difference is ya get to choose yer classes so instead of taking Science and Geography and Math and stuff like that (being I didn't do so good in them) I could take other "lective" courses. I'm gonna take like, Nude Girls Who Put Out 101 and History of Beer and other classes for big lugs like me who like to sleep late. It'll be really fun and I'll earn my degree and get a job being a teacher!

Well that's it for today's blog you can go on MySpace.Com and read all the other blogs I rite and also some neat pictures of me during my skinhead days and also read why Marybeth Kearns better put out fer me real soon!

Hey check out the picture of my buds!

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