June 07, 2006

Hamptons Daze

A Birthday Week

What a week it has been. We started off Saturday with a barbeque for Veronica's birthday. Thanks to our three George Foreman lean mean fat grilling machines we prepared a feast. The barbeque leads to a drunken night at Buckley's followed by coming home and dressing up our "somewhat of a lightweight" male friend Alex in women's clothes.

Alex is Jameson's friend from way back in high school and he used to be straight edge. Because he only started drinking a year ago, it takes him two glasses of wine and he is toast. Jameson however is quite the opposite and has built up a tolerance from four years of college. He tells Jameson after the wine that we're a bad influence and every time he hangs out with us he ends up with a hangover.

"Suck it up Alex," is all Jameson says to that. We also end up playing naughty card games until the sun comes up, which Alex was all for!

Veronica has always been a firm believer that a birthday must be celebrated not just one day a year but one week a year. Jameson, of course, agrees with this rule and is always up for a celebration! Therefore, on Sunday we start drinking early at 2 p.m. We attempt to go to the Boardy Barn but we're late and the line is too long. If we got in at all, it would be almost closing time. We decide to go to Neptune's, neither of us having ever been there before. Culture shock. We see the crowd and agree that we need shots immediately.

We do have fun (we have fun anywhere), but after a few hours of hanging out with steroid-crazy, Red Bull-drinking, wifebeater & Dior Swarovski crystal encrusted sunglass-wearing muscle men, and awful boob job, fake-bake tanned ladies, we decide it's time to leave the Jersey Shore and go a mile back to Hampton Bays. Jameson thinks if she hears anymore techno she might explode or hurt someone, maybe both. Next time we go there, we will not be dressed in Boardy Barn attire.

We leave and go home and walk to Margarita Island to get some food and more drinks. Since it is almost next door to our house and the food is good and the view is nice it may be our second home this summer.

After dinner, it's off to the Foggy Goggle where we plan on becoming America's Next Top Models, since they are doing castings. It doesn't happen. The models just want us to sign the mailing list. Before the first season of "America's Next Top Model," Veronica was asked to audition and now she thinks its time to say goodbye to her beer belly named Claire and get skinny. She decides she is now on a low carb, liquor- only diet and can only drink beer on Sundays. Jameson meets a boy who she thinks looks like Jake Gylenhall.

Now, if you know Jameson, you know that she has a borderline sick obsession with Jake. Veronica thinks Jameson has some foggy goggles on because this boy does not resemble him at all. Veronica gets bored and tries to leave. No luck — the birthday shots keep coming, thanks to Jameson, and so do the "oh, I guess I'll stay for one more drink" excuses.

When we finally do leave, we wait for Kevin's Taxi. Becoming quickly bored Veronica starts looking through her phone. "Let's call Kanye West!" she yells. It's true she got his number from her sister who hung out with him at Star Room a few months back. We call on speakerphone and pretend to be his friend. Kanye answers. He's in The City taking his boys where they need to be. We tell him that they need to be in Hampton Bays. We start singing to him and he laughs and hangs up shortly thereafter. Some girls drunk dial ex-boyfriends. Not us, we drunk dial Kanye West.

Two nights of rest are much needed before getting back out there. Publick House's Wednesday ladies' nights are something we never miss. Veronica, normally a beer drinker and a big fan of the golden lager, realizes that the low carb liquor diet will get you real drunk, real quick. The Publick House is a bit of a blur for her. Jameson spent some time there talking to this guy with a really sick Mohawk that she finds out lives right down the street from them in a house full of gorgeous guys. She gets his number and plans on calling them to come to their next party.

We close out the bar with the boys of last week's column and head back to their house. Back at the boys' house it's like outward bound for drunks. Tree climbing and tree swings. Jameson is all about getting splitters in her ass as she attempts to climb the tree with the boys.

After almost falling about 200 times, she decides to play it safe and jump down. Yeah, that's not happening. The ground seems a lot further away now and she calls for Todd to come rescue her. Todd reaches his arms out and tells her to jump. She goes for it and they collide and both fall pretty hard on the ground. Jameson wakes up with a massive bruise on her thigh.

Veronica can't handle the physical activity at the moment so she goes inside and plays her favorite sport, darts, and listens to some Jock Jams '95. She wins the game of course because she never loses, she is on the Fisherman Quarters dart team during the winter. Meanwhile, Jameson goes downstairs to rock out and sing some Lynyrd Skynyrd. It becomes another all-nighter and an excellent birthday week. The dream team has accomplished its goal!

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