June 07, 2006
Samdup Thockmay is a Tibetan monk, a seer and a prophet. He manages a convenience store in Flushing.
Today: Buddah, Allah and Jesus were talking about you the other day and they all agree: God is punishing you.
Birthday: Prince, 1958
Watch out for: The woman in the white hat
Be grateful: The mold and fungus is in your walls and not in your brain
Tomorrow: A peaceful walk in the moonlight will be interrupted by a writhing stranger wearing nothing but an eye patch.
Birthday: Barbara Bush, 1925
Watch out for: Burning embers, dense smoke, sirens
Be grateful: You were able to get the cat out alive
Friday: It is clearly written on the stone: you put out in high school.
Birthday: Natalie Portman, 1981
Watch out for: The man who wheezes when he talks to you
Be grateful: There is only one bullet in the gun
Saturday: You are a leader, and on this day you will be called upon to lead. So gather all the other dimwits in your building and tell them to pull up their flies.
Birthday: Judy Garland, 1922
Watch out for: What lurks in your basement
Be grateful: Your lump has hair growing out of it
Sunday: Get yourself to church. Pray to God for mercy, for you have sinned, and now the detective working the Internet beat knows you're not a 15-year-old named Becky.
Birthday: Jacques Cousteau, 1895
Watch out for: Harmful bacteria in your food
Be grateful: It's really not that hot in hell
Monday: Today will be an excellent opportunity to seize the moment and attest to your brilliance. Unfortunately, no one pays attention to you because you're delusional.
Birthday: Anne Frank, 1929
Watch out for: A pack of roaming pit bulls
Be grateful: You have another arm
Tuesday: The flight of the butterfly has begun! The Bluebird chirps loudly! The deer roam the forests! You're still an unsightly old hog!
Birthday: Christo, 1935
Watch out for: Eternal blackness
Be grateful: For one-eyed albinos