May 31, 2006
Samdup Thockmay is a seer, mystic, and a licensed Tibetan monk. He manages a convenience store in Flushing.
Today: Finally, something positive in your life! Your blood test results are in.
Birthday: Joe Namath, 1943
Watch out for: People named "John"
Be grateful: Your personality is as grotesque as your body
Tomorrow: The Moon and Sun align perfectly above your big butt.
Birthday: Alanis Morissette, 1974
Watch out for: The bird flu
Be grateful: Dirty underwear is better than no underwear
Friday: Your furrowed brow and quizzical look reveal the truth: you're dumber than spit.
Birthday: Jerry "The Beaver" Mathers, 1957
Watch out for: Poopie
Be grateful: It's two-for-one week at the anchovy shop
Saturday: The sun shines, the sea rolls, the wind howls, and you fart — same old freakin' story.
Birthday: Allen Ginsberg 1926
Watch out for: The drinking water
Be grateful: The parasite in your lower intestine is coming out the other end
Sunday: You insignificant little turd, you worthless piece of nothing -- you need to learn to respect yourself.
Birthday: Angelina Jolie, 1975
Watch out for: The letter "L"
Be grateful: Life is mercifully short
Monday: It is a good day indeed when another suffers at your hand. Or vice-versa — we don't care one way or the other.
Birthday: "Marky" Mark Wahlberg 1975
Watch out for: Insects in your ears
Be grateful: It's only head lice
Tuesday: Remember, God looks down on all his children — except the sickly, whiny ones. In other words, you're on your own, kid.
Birthday: Sandra Bernhart 1955
Watch out for: Rotting carcasses
Be grateful: You have a catchy nickname: "Cheesy"