May 31, 2006
What You Need? Some hot music on July Fourth weekend.
Baby, I got it!
The Queen of Soul. R-E-S-P-E-C-T!
You heard it here first. That's right, on July 3rd to be exact, at the Ross School in East Hampton. Kandy LOVES 'Retha. Spades adores her. And didn't she kick serious butt on the Five Divas show? I mean, Mariah Carey? Stop that, stop it right now. That shameless hussy sounded like a screeching baboon next to 'Retha. Shania Twain? Married to her cousin, that one. Hillbilly white trash. Gloria Estefan? Illegal immigrant. Celine? That mule face doesn't sing, she whinnies.
Cuervo Gold. The Fine Colombian. 'Retha.
The event will benefit students in need of financial aid. In fact, a special scholarship, the Aretha Franklin Scholar, will be established in honor of the diva. Best of all, 'Retha will be accompanied by a 25 piece band. You go girl! You rock! Right-arm.
We'll say no more.
Sightings: So Kandy and Spades were walking down Newtown Lane holding hands (a ruse — he's sooo gay) when they saw a guy who exhibited the classic Three G's – Gawky, Geeky, Gangly. Awkward. All elbows and knees. He looked suspiciously like Cosmo Kramer, the neighbor on Seinfeld. Then Kandy (folks, she ain't the pointiest shoe in the closet) remembers hey, Jerry lives a mile or so from here, tops. Could it be? Would it be? We say, oh yeah. God doesn't make too many members of the exclusive Three G Club. By the way, he was looking at flowers. Takes all kinds.
The Big Event of the weekend was the Portraits For Choice benefit at the Tarr estate in East Hampton, sponsored by Planned Parenthood. Wait a sec . . . isn't PP a radical anti-Catholic group? Don't they have the bones of some slut buried under Starbucks or something like that? Aren't they all descendants of Martin Luther Ling or somebody? Just askin'.
Anyhow, the usual selection of local Libs were bandied about pre-benefit: Alec Baldwin, Peter Boyle, Isaac Mizrahi, Kathleen Turner, Mathew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker, yes, the same Sarah who personally vilified Indy editor Rick Murphy after The Independent published the address of her oceanfront house. "You ruined my privacy!" she shouted. "After 20 years here we'll have to move away because of you!" Funny thing was, there were no drapes in the house, just walls of windows you could see right through. Odd. Plus, this is a woman who got famous because of her tits, oh pardon us, breasts. Don't worry, honey, when they start to sag the gawking will stop (Just ask Kandy's mom!)
As it turned out, Sarah and Mathew were no-shows. Hey, maybe they did move away! Don't worry, Jerry Della Femina saved the day as a surprise guest.
Rumors and Innuendo: What young lothario has taken up with the steamy star of a popular cop show 15 years his elder? What faded-out former comic and Hamptons' regular, now bald, old, and Republican, has spent his earned AND inherited fortune and is now desperately looking for work? Who put the Hush Hush on the DWI arrest of a well-known Southampton investment tycoon? Sources say the arrest report never made it to the local newspapers.
Sightings: Several Kid Rock sightings over the weekend, including one bizarre claim he was dressed up as a woman (we kid you not) . . .
Early Monday, headed to the Italian specialty store, a huge mop of white, unkempt hair, a little man, a happy man, with a spring to his step talking on the cell phone in the parking lot. It was either Einstein . . . or Larry David, the co-creator of Seinfeld.
And thus kids, all things come around in a perfect circle.