May 24, 2006
Today: It is desirable for you to be adored and loved. Unfortunately, others find you undesirable.
Birthday: Roseanne Cash (1955)
Watch out for: a violent attack of the runs
Be grateful: your parents didn't have other ugly children
Tomorrow: As the summer winds begin to blow and the summer sun begins to bake, remember the stench emanating from your shorts is only going to get worse.
Birthday: Mike Myers (1963)
Watch out for: the co-worker who hates you
Be grateful: life is mercifully short
Friday: Does not the tiny sparrow fly to the top of the mountain? Ahhhhh, grasshopper, you can make it too — if you don't get squashed trying.
Birthday: John Wayne (1907)
Watch out for: flying turds
Be grateful: you have lots of chins in case one gets hurt
Saturday: Many have told the tale of the Crouching Beaver — learn the lessons well (there'll be a quiz).
Birthday: Wild Bill Hickok (1837)
Watch out for: people who stutter
Be grateful: your spouse is blind
Sunday: We know your mother told you, but trust us, having a horse face does not mean you're "cute."
Birthday: Rudolph Giuliani (1944)
Watch out for: out-of-control cement truck
Be grateful: for life support systems
Monday: Learn this lesson well. It is great fun to make fun of people behind their backs, but it is even more fun when they are too weak and old to defend themselves.
Birthday: John F. Kennedy (1917)
Watch out for: heavy breathing perverts
Be grateful: you sweat a lot
Tuesday: Eternal beauty flows from many fountains, however, the one you drink from must be sprouting ugly juice
Birthday: Wynonna Judd (1964)
Watch out for: sudden seizure
Be grateful: the pimple popped