May 17, 2006

Low Tidings

Bush Gets Tough On Immigrants

In a determined bid to solve the growing problem of illegal immigration, President Bush today ordered the Joint Chiefs of Staff to invade America.

Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice said extensive surveillance revealed growing concern that terrorist activity could put our nation at risk. Specifically, she said, weapons of mass destruction have been located behind several 7-Eleven stores in Suffolk County.

The invasion comes after a prolonged period during which the Federal Bureau of Investigation scrutinized the phone calls of every American family. Rice said the government learned many details of covert operations it feels may be the forerunner to a terrorist attack. Among the intercepted phone calls, made public yesterday:

The Scranton, Pennsylvania Cub Scout Pack 411 canceled its June 14 meeting;

Amy Kane of Bakersfield, age 11, has a crush on Timmy Brewster, who is in her fifth grade geography class;

Mike Gonzalez, a meteorologist in Dade County, Florida is moving from WVVY television to WRIB in Orange County;

Danny O'Connor has to pick up a half-pound of liverwurst on his way home from work.

Taken individually, Rice said, these tidbits mean little. But when considered in a larger context the message is clear: The Taliban have infiltrated the ranks of illegal Latino immigrants and pose an immediate threat to our nation's security.

Bush said he actually fired the first salvo a few days ago. An elite group of Navy Seals were flown into Westhampton's Gabreski Airport from a secret Marine training camp. Their mission: advance to County Road 39 in Southampton and take out the 7-Eleven, a notorious Taliban hangout. The Seals were authorized to use "all force necessary." As it turned out, Bush said "They got stuck in traffic on Route 27 and by the time they got there all the day laborers had been illegally hired by contractors too lazy to do their own work." The exercise wasn't a complete failure, Rice pointed out. "They all had sausage dogs and their commander bought them Slurpies," she said.

Sources say the next move in the new War On Terror may come as early as this weekend, when it is widely expected the U.S. will invade New Mexico and Arizona. According to intelligence, "Everyone in those states is an illegal immigrant except John McCain," Bush said.

Back on the East End, tensions were high as the summer tourist community braced for a Latino/Taliban backlash. SUV owners were put on red alert after e-mail interceptions revealed a plan to hijack the higher-priced trucks and ram them into government buildings. One CIA source said an SUV stolen just last week was headed to Town Hall in Southampton but "it's still stuck on Montauk Highway." Taliban/Latino leaders are known to be leery of such missions however, because, as one recently seized document revealed, "there are never any government officials in Town Hall . . ." For that reason, would-be hijackers have been advised to "drive onto the golf courses."

East End officials, placed on lavender alert, have released a list of known Taliban/Latino leaders thought to have ties to the notorious Al Qaeda group. The government has placed a reward of $10,000 or five gallons of gas for information leading to the arrest of any of the group. They include:

Ramon Khalid Abu "Angel" Musab; Sheikh Pedro Hernandez, Ayman al-Gomez, Sulaiman Mateo Sayib Izquierdo, Santos Ghaith Mohammed Munoz, and Santo bin-Martinez.

The men have been known to ride bicycles, pour large amounts of sugar into their coffee, dress as day laborers, and speak in Spanish. A CIA official speaking on the condition of anonymity said bin-Martinez was spotted last week but three agents dispatched to arrest him "got stuck in traffic." He is believed to be hiding out in the dense mountain areas in Noyac and Brickiln Road which are nearly impassable. "We think he drives an old car," the official said.

Bush said America may not be the only country we invade. "Any country that doesn't threaten us with nuclear annihilation is a strike target," he warned. He is focusing on south of the border for the moment, "because that's where the Latinos are hiding." Bush said, "Costa Rica, the Dominican Republic, Ecuador, and many other countries south of our border are havens for Latinos. It's not just a problem here." Those countries may not be aware of how many Latinos they have, "because they don't 7-Elevens down there."

Custom officials have placed the number of illegal immigrants in America at between 12 and 15 million. "That doesn't count the Puerto Ricans, who are legal illegal immigrants," Bush said.

Rice said the government will fight the war on terror at home exactly like we fight it abroad. "We'll take some young, untrained soldiers, refuse to give them the equipment they need to get the job done, put them in vulnerable vehicles, put them under the command of incompetent superiors, and award Halliburton a $12 billion contract to feed them crappy food and poopy water. It works for us."

Opening another war on terror will once again leave the U.S. vulnerable to natural disasters. "Let's put it this way," Bush said with a laugh. "New Orleans is going down again!"

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