Hardy Plumbing
May 03, 2006

Low Tidings

The good news is I sleep with seven lucky women.

The bad news is I'm not a Mormon.

But hey, I'm Hef, and I can still do it even though I just turned 80.

It's all about The Now, and I'm still as hip as any young cat, and Playboy is if anything, more relevant than it was 30 years ago. Baby, know this: Hef is still a player.

You probably read about my birthday bash. All the hepcats and Hollywood shakers and movers were there — Sammy, Shelly, Angie, Dino, Frank, the whole crew.

And of course, my seven little lovelies. You probably wonder why they all have blonde hair, blue eyes, and big knockers. The answer is simple: I'm 80. In other words, who remembers their names? Bimbo, Bambi, Cookie, Candy . . . whatever. I call them all "Babe" in bed. Works for me.

People ask me all the time if I can still service them. What does that mean, service? You mean like do I change their oil? What are they, cars? And I don't wanna hear any rim job jokes or I'll order you to leave the mansion, understand? Let's just say at this point in my life I'm like Jiffy Lube, I'm in and out before ya know it, get it? Yeah, so I have a little gas, big deal. I'm Hef.

When you have as much money as I do you begin to think you'll live forever. Remember Bob Hope? The guy was 100, for Christ's sake. He had fluids coming out of his ear, his nose, his mouth, from between his toes, his belly button, his eyes. He didn't die, he just turned from solid to a liquid.

That's what will happen to me, except my Johnson. There's so much Viagra in me that thing will be standing up straight for the next billion years. It's like uranium — it has a half life of 500,000 years. I mean, when they finally do bury me, the thing will be stickin' up from the ground like a freakin' tree.

Let's face it, when you're 80 and you have to make love to seven 25 year-old bimbos you need all the help you can get, you know what I mean?

Let me give you a tour around the mansion. You've seen the swimming pool on TV, I'm sure. I had it made into a real grotto — there are three waterfalls and six or seven little tunnels and nooks and crannies. I bagged babes in every one of them. See that little cave over there? I had Bette Davis in there. Under that waterfall over there? I nailed Loretta Young. Over by the hot tub? Patti Page. I think I got Satchel Paige in there, too. Whatever.

Truth is I haven't been in the pool in years, since the time Shecky did a belly flop and damn near killed me and half the bunnies from the tidal wave. Those were the days.

Come on in, let me show you around. This is my study. I have over 10,000 books. Never read one, never. I spend most of my time looking at pictures of nude women. I get paid to do that. Weird, huh?

I look at nude women all day, then I hang out with nude women all night, then I go to sleep with nude women. Sometimes I wish they'd put some freakin' clothes on. The weird thing is, none of them are airbrushed in real life — what's up with that?

Come on upstairs. This is my personal suite. I popped Tuesday Weld over on that couch. She was like, 15 or something. Whatever. I had Natalie Wood over on that chaise. I did Bardot on the hamper. Sophia on the floor of the balcony. She screamed in Italian. Weird, huh?

This is the guest wing over here. Peter Lawford stayed over for like, 20 years. We did the Doublemint twins over on that bed. They both chewed gum the whole time. Whatever, right?

I've had seven presidents here. Of course, we kept it quiet. JFK used to come with Marilyn. So did Bobby. Joey D. came with her, too. Lawford did her here. Hoffa had her in that tub over there. I'm like, fellas, give me a turn! It's all good, right? She was a real lady, that one.

There's the kitchen. I never go in there. Truth is, I don't eat much. I have Viagra and champagne, mostly. I'm doin' seven babes, so I'm pretty tired all the time. When we're not making love, I'm usually sleeping. That's why I'm always in my PJs. No sense in putting clothes on when you have to take them off all the time. You know what I'm saying?

People want to know if I practice safe sex. The answer is of course. Playboy has always been about safe sex. I have a condom on my entire body. That's as safe as it gets. I am pretty much a Viagra-munching, champagne-sipping human condom.

OK that's the tour of the mansion. I gotta go. Joey Bishop is coming over — all the hot ones stop by to see me and the bunnies. Dinah's gonna sing at the party tonight. It's gonna be a swinging night.

Help yourself to one of the girls. Go ahead! It's OK! That's what they are here for, to pleasure our male guests. Try Muffin over there, or Trixie, the redhead. She's a fine lady. Just look at those cantaloupes.

Go for a dip in the pool. Look at all the girls, they have giant flotation devices on their chests! These broads could float across the Atlantic with them jugs, am I right?

Make yourself a drink and relax.

What's my secret? I love women, that's it. I love and respect them. They are an art form, like Venus, except they have arms and bigger knobs.

People ask me, would I do it differently if I had to do the whole thing over? I'm like, yeah, right!

But I would "do" more, that's for sure! After all, I'm Hef. Be well. Drop by again. Say hello to the little lady for me. Keep in touch with yourself.

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