April 05, 2006

My GayView

Crossing The Border

So much in the news lately about our broken borders! Congress, which

has been on vacation and beyond the boundaries of any unified stance, is about to wrestle with the options. Schwarzenegger wants them closed. Ted Kennedy wants them left open. The Prez wants a fairly complex compromise that assumes the government can actually be effectual in supervising who stays, who goes, who works, who pays taxes, who gets to use our services freely and who doesn't. Yeah right. It all sounds like a lame attempt to lock the barn door now that the stampeding herds of horses have broken through!

GayView, like everyone, feels the need to put our two cents in and offer a solution. Here it goes: they might as well go ahead and build those walls and string miles of electrified wire across our borders and have all traffic funnel into enforced points of entry. You know — the old Checkpoint Charley routine. Here's the fun part: the sentries in these guard posts will all be recruited from the Gay Community. Who better than we to discern the wheat from the chaff, if you will?

Not to mention the style and flair apparent to all who wish to set foot upon our blessed shores. Our uniforms alone will speak of a certain intelligence inherent to great style. All ye of no chic can just turn around and try again in a few months. Any resistance, and butched-up lesbians (armed to the teeth) will escort the rowdies away for a little stay in our version of GITMO. We call it GET-GAY. There, you'll get a nice shower, a bit of a soak in a hot tub, and you'll be issued a change of clothing. Because our attire will be gleaned from a variety of charitable donors, our look will be akin to "Immigrant Bohemian." That's IMBO for short.

Tons of "product" will be available for all that wild Third World hair. A fleet of government-sponsored hair-burners will be available to cut, perm, highlight, and pluck until everything's under control. All applicants who pass muster will be given a gift bag that includes more of the hair gook and a manicure kit, sunblock with moisturizer, Banana Republic flip-flops, a gift certificate to the nearest Starbucks, and tickets to a Clay Akin concert.

We're trying to strike a deal with the publisher of It Takes a Village by Hillary Clinton for free paperbacks, but money is God in this country and, so far, no luck. I'm sure our new arrivals will understand. They're probably onboard with our adoration of the Almighty Buck or they wouldn't want to move here. Shoes are a major concern. Let's face it: we can't expect these people to kick-off their tattered sandals and jump into Manolo Blahniks, can we? And then there's that whole debate about pointy or blunt toes.

The fashion world is completely torn about this aesthetic for both genders. Ever since last fall, when the runways featured those round-toed Minnie Mouse pumps, women have been largely ignoring them and stocking up on the classic stilettos with needle sharp toes. We've decided to err on the side of practicality: all newcomers will be issued a nice sturdy pair of rubber "Wellies" from Payless Shoes. Don't think they'll be just black, either. Faux Burberry plaids, jaunty polka dots, and hot primary colors will also be available.

We're hoping to be able to supply mini sizes in superheroes and cartoon characters for the little kiddies, but copyright holders are every bit as price conscious as the publishing world. Ironically, we may have to go beyond our own borders to import treats for our below minimum wage workforce applicants from sweatshops abroad.

Speaking of which, our gay border guards will direct all arrivals to a training camp to learn new skills. We'll be teaching Disco Dancing, Wallpaper Hanging, Cosmo Mixing, and Floral Arrangement, among other worthy trades. Lastly, we who were born here will be heading South-of-the-Border to escape these North American winters. We may be Gay, but we certainly aren't dumb!

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