April 05, 2006
New Item: Supermodel Throws Phone
Washington D.C. police are investigating a report that supermodel Naomi Campbell viciously threw her phone at someone for the third time in recent weeks. This time, according to sources, the target was Vice President Dick Cheney. "That honky son-of-a-bitch took a shot at me!" Campbell allegedly fumed in the presence of several reporters. "Do I look like a mother f—kin' bird?"
A spokesman for Cheney angrily denied the charges. "Just because Dick Cheney shot his best friend with a shotgun in the face doesn't mean he's going to take aim at every two-bit ho in Washington," said the spokesman, Jack Abramoff. "Dick Cheney is the Vice President — he's very selective about whom he shoots." Abramoff added that Mr. Cheney has the utmost respect for the hot-tempered temptress and that the Vice President most assuredly does not think she looks like a bird. "Mr. Cheney did take a shot at Patti LaBelle, though," the spokesman acknowledged. "He thought she was a huge peacock."
Abramoff denied that Cheney had been drinking, but added, "then again, the last time he blacked out we invaded Iraq and he didn't even remember giving the order." Campbell said the next time Cheney shoots her she'll do more than just throw a phone. "After all," she pointed out, "I know a lot of rappers." President Bush said if the reports are true, and Campbell did in fact throw her phone at the VP, "I will order the Secret Service to bitch slap her."
News Item: Condoleeza Rice Faces Protesters
Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice had to contend with legions of antiwar protesters during a recent visit to Great Britain. A particularly surly crowd in Blackburn screamed "shame on you" and labeled the demure former mistress a "Fascist pig." Rice said she was shocked by the taunts. "I don't understand why everyone is upset. I mean, we've invaded a couple countries, killed oh, maybe a hundred thousand or so civilians, but other than that it's all good," she oinked. According to the New York Times, Rice also "faced harsh criticism from several Muslim leaders." Ya think?
News Item: New Support Group Formed
In response to thousands of complaints, a group of alcoholic husbands are forming a new support group to deal with a serious, pressing and growing problem — wives who badger them because they drink too much. The women in question all belong to an organization called AL-Anon, which some think is a terrorist organization. "At first, they would come home from meetings and just nag us," said Bill, a founder of the new group. "Now it is an insidious, organized campaign. It makes us so upset we actually drink more than we used to." Bill said many of the members just keep drinking until they pass out. "It's the only way to get the nagging to stop." The new group is mulling over several names for the organization, with AL-AL-Anon and AL-Bitch B Gone the two leading candidates. There will be local meetings scheduled every day beginning next month. Bill said it was too early to say which sites will host the events but noted, "I'm sure we'll have a lot of meetings in the local pubs. I mean, duh! We're alcoholics, right?"
News Item: Tougher Immigration Laws Coming
Congress is preparing to address measures to stem the flow of illegal immigrants into the country after a poll showed 82% of American citizens want stricter laws to curb illegal immigration. A large majority (75%) would deny them government services, such as health care and food stamps, according to the Time magazine study. In addition, half of the respondents (51%) said children who are here illegally shouldn't be allowed to attend public schools.
Though one measure calls for the erection of a fence across the entire Arizona-Mexican border, government officials denied they were singling out Latino immigrants. "We were gonna build a fence across the Canadian border, too," said Wisconsin Republican F. James Sensenbrenne, "But the ground is too hard."
Though many Americans believe that illegal immigrants should be detained and identified, the great majority agrees they should be allowed to stay in the country. "After all," Sensenbrenne pointed out, "they do all the work."
President George Duh-bya Bush said he didn't think erecting a fence would be the answer, because "Mexicans will go right over it 'cause they have all them jumpin' beans down there." He suggested a giant tarp be pulled over the entire country. "They can jump but they damn well can't fly," he noted.
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