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March 12, 2014

Intolerant And Intolerable


Somewhere In The Deep Woods

Bambi: Stop! Who goes there?

Tom: It's me, Tom Turkey!

Bambi: Come closer so I can see you.

Tom: Cluck, cluck, cluck . . .

Bambi: What in the hell . . . you're not a turkey!

Tom: Am so . . . look, I have cranberry sauce on my drumstick.

Bambi: Wait a second . . . you're one of the Mute Swans, aren't you.

Tom: Do I look like a mime to you? I'm talkin', ain't I?

Bambi: I get it -- you're telling people you're a turkey because the DEC wants to kill all the Mute Swans.

Tom: That's right, buddy. And if you're smart you'll do the same. They want to shoot all the deer, you know.

Bambi: Deer? I'm not a deer.

Tom: You're not, eh?

Bambi: No, I'm a reindeer. I work for Santa.

Tom: Is that right? What's your name?

Bambi: I'm umm, Blixten . . . No, I'm Cube-it.

Tom: So how come you're not on the North Pole?

Bambi: I have visa problems, Ok? Besides, there's enough snow here.

Tom: And where's your red nose?

Bambi: What, are you some kind of wise guy? I don't wear makeup when I'm off duty. You come around Christmas Eve, I'll be all dolled up – red nose, heels, pearls, the whole nine yards.

Tom: Seems to me any place is better than here. What's with all these crazy drivers?

Bambi: Ya got me. Shhhhh . . . here comes someone. Hide!

Tom: Halt! Who goes there?

Terry: 'Tis me! Terry O'Rourke. Here for the St. Paddy's parade! Top of the morning to ya!

Bambi: You don't look Irish to me.

Terry: Ok, I am Sven from Norway! Here to plug the dike!

Bambi: No you're not. You're Latino.

Terry: Shhhhh. Not any more. People are blaming me for everything that goes wrong around here. It's not cool to be from Ecuador. I wanna be Irish.

Tom: You know, I remember the old days. Everyone got along. Folks didn't worry about that kind of thing. It was a simpler place. It was . . . it was . . . country. Live and let live.

Bambi: Shhh! Here comes someone else. Shhh.

Tom: Who goes there?

Hill & Bill: It's just us, Bill and Hillary Clinton. We live here now.

Bambi: Hmmmm . . . you don't look like the Clintons. Wait a second! I recognize both of you! You're former Southampton Town Supervisor Linda Kabot, and you are former East Hampton Town Supervisor Bill Wilkinson!

Hill & Bill: We are not!

Tom: Yes you are . . . you're Republicans.

Hill & Bill: Don't say that word! People don't like Republicans around here. It's because we support the Town Trustees and our baymen and we want to see regular people get a fair shake and we don't kowtow to the rich and famous.

Bambi: Christ, You guys are weird.

Tom: Yeah . . . go find somewhere else to nest. We don't need your kind around here.

Terry: Yeah! Dems rule! I hope the DEC mutes your sorry asses!

Tom: Jeez. Now who is coming? Hey! Who the heck are you guys?

Workers: We're ummm . . . ummm . . . we're Jehovah Witnesses.

Bambi: Oh yeah? Then why is PSEG stitched on your jackets?

Tom: Omigod! They are the guys with the big poles.

Hill & Bill: Antichrists! They are spreading radiation poison in our schools.

Bambi: They are causing brain tumors in nuns!

Tom: They are frying our brains!

Hill & Bill: And they send us huge electric bills every month!

Tom: The DEC should hunt them down like dogs!

Hill & Bill: The DEC doesn't hunt dogs, just Mute Swans and deer.

Bambi: Oh, we haven't seen any of them around here.

Tom: Nope, never seen any swans or deer around these parts. Nope.

Terry: Hey, has anyone seen any ICE agents out here?

Bambi, and Tom: No, never.

Terry: Just wonderin' – not that I'm worried. After all, I'm Irish.

Tom: You said you were Swedish.

Terry: What, I look like a meatball?

Everybody: Well, we might as well settle in. Looks like it's gonna snow again.

Tom: I don't want to sleep next to Norwegians.

Bambi: I don't want to sleep near a Mute Swan.

Terry: I don't want to sleep in the cold!

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