July 31, 2013

My Texploits

Guess a lot of wives are a little uneasy after reading about the exploits of Anthony Weiner, who was having a "Text Affair" with a dozen or so women.

I told Karen she was free to peruse my texts, tweets and emails whenever she liked – after all, I have nothing to hide.

So she did, and that led to this rather testy conversation:

"I thought you had nothing to hide?" she said in an accusatory voice. I reiterated that fact. Then she read verbatim a recent "conversation" via text I had. I have to admit, I felt more than a little guilty.

Me: Hey, what's up Big Boy?

BB: You tell me.

Me: I need a tight end.

BB: You came to the right place. I have the best tight end.

Me: Cool. What do you want for it?

BB: What do you have?

Me: A couple of wide receivers.

BB: You like three-ways?

Me: Sure. I'm up for anything!

BB: What else you interested in?

Me: I'm looking for a catcher.

BB: Tight end and catcher? That figures.

Me: I have a pitcher available.

BB: This another three-way?

Me: I don't care. Whatever you want.

BB: Anything I want?

Me: You name it, Big Boy!

BB: How about money?

Me: I don't usually pay. I will trade almost anything, though.

BB: I could use an H-back.

Me: I have mostly smallish backs.

BB: I like 'em big!

Me: Yeah well, whatever. So let's do the tight end deal before the weekend is over.

BB: Hey, are you going to be in the fantasy chat room later tonight?

Me: Yeah, after the wife goes to bed.

BB: See you in there. It's gonna be hot!

Me: You can bet your ass on that!


Karen, of course, is well versed in my fantasy life. The other day we were riding in my truck. I had the Sirius Fantasy channel on the radio. Karen heard first-hand how deep the vein is -- this is a true story. There was a call-in show on and a caller was put on the air. He was whispering.

"I need your advice," he said to the host of the show.

"Why are you whispering?" the host -- I think it was Dr. Roto -- asked.

"I'm in the chambers of the Justice of the Peace," the caller said.

Dr. Roto was incredulous. "Dude, what, did you get arrested? You need to call a lawyer, not me!"

"No no," the caller whispered. "I'm getting married in seven minutes. I need your help right away."

"You're getting married in seven minutes and you're calling me? Why?"

"My best man just offered me a trade, and we have to get it in before the game tonight."

Dr. Roto realized the guy was for real. He gave the guy his advice on the trade, and it was consummated minutes later, before the marriage was consummated, I might add.

I'm not sure if the guy got the tight end he wanted that night, but I sure hope so.

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