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January 09, 2013

The Other Side Of Gun Control


This week, Rick snagged an exclusive interview with Wayne LaPierre, the head of the National Rifle Association.

Indy: Your organization's motto is "I'll give you my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead hands," which was famously stated by Charlton Heston.

NRA: Yeah. Funny thing is, we did.

Indy: Did what?

NRA: We pried his gun from his cold, dead hands. You see, rigor mortis had set in, and old Charlton had big hands.

Indy: Christ – you literally took the gun from him?

NRA: He was dead – he didn't give a crap. Too bad he didn't have that thing when he made Planet of the Apes – them smarmy apes would have found out in a hurry you don't mess with the Statue of Liberty.

Indy: Another slogan gun enthusiasts use is, "If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns."

NRA: It's true. Every law-abiding American should own a gun, and of course everyone in uniform, be it cops, soldiers, Boy Scouts and the like.

Indy: Boy Scouts?

NRA: And Cub Scouts, too. Girl Scouts as well – we don't practice sexual indiscrimination.

Indy: Girl Scouts?

NRA: Hey, they'd sell a lot more cookies. If one of them little f**kers come to my door and says, 'Buy a dozen boxes of cookies or I'll blow your brains out,' I'm goin' all in on the Samoas, even if they sound un-American.

Indy: Now let's get to the grizzly shootings at schools. You've called for an armed guard at every institution of learning.

NRA: That's correct. A deterrent, so to speak. Soon as some wise ass kid gives him any lip, Bam! Take him out right there. That will be the end of the disobedience.

Indy: With all due respect, sir, the people aren't worried about the kids mouthing off, they are worried about crazies shooting their kids.

NRA: Exactly. If you make guns illegal, only crazy kids will have guns.

Indy: Wouldn't having guards at the schools be astronomically expensive?

NRA: Not at all. We already have crossing guards. Just outfit them with an automatic weapon, 30 or so rounds, and maybe a Glock under their belts in case the entire fourth grade mounts a full frontal attack on the school.

Indy: You're kidding, right?

NRA: Of course. Most folks take this stuff too seriously. We laugh, we joke, we breathe just like everyone else. Only difference is, we don't take s**t from liberal New Yawk a-holes who believe that guns are evil.

Indy: Some people think guns are phallic symbols.

NRA: I didn't take geometry in school. I was a shop major.

Indy: Married?

NRA: Of course.

Indy: To a woman?

NRA: The last fella who said that kind of thing to me is underground now.

Indy: Oh, a miner or subway conductor?

NRA: Never you mind, sonny. I can tell you're from New Yawk, I'll tell you that.

Indy: One more question: How can we regulate guns more effectively?

NRA: They're regulated enough now. Hell, when I bought my 12-gauge at Wal-Mart I had to show 'em my library card. I was sweatin' it out.

Indy: Why?

NRA: I still got some overdue picture books from back in the fifth grade.

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