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December 19, 2012

Yeah, I'll Guide Your Freakin' Sled


This week, an exclusive interview with the most famous reindeer of all time. Who knew he lived right here under our noses?

Indy: You're not really Rudolph. Where's the red nose?

Rudolph: I quit drinking, ok?

Indy: What are you doing in East Hampton?

Rudolph: I retired here.

Indy: Dude, you only work one day a year.

Rudolph: Yeah, but we unionized. Between sick days, vacation, early retirement and so on it was time to pack it in.

Indy: What did Santa say?

Rudolph: "Ho ho ho." That's all he ever says.

Indy: We're guessing there's more to the story.

Rudolph: Ok, ok. That ho, Dancer, accused me of "inappropriate workroom behavior," whatever that is.

Indy: Well, that would be like calling her a "ho."

Rudolph: Oh. Hey Cupid and Vixen were no angels, either. At one of our Christmas parties I had the two of . . .

Indy: Never mind that. Why East Hampton?

Rudolph: Good place to be. Lots of shrubs and specimen trees. I blend in well with the deer, except I'm a celebrity and they're not.

Indy: You must not read the newspapers.

Rudolph: I'm an Internet guy . . . maybe the sports section sometimes.

Indy: Well, East Hampton Town intends to "address the deer problem."

Rudolph: What does "address" mean?

Indy: Dude it means cull.

Rudolph: Like a one-armed lobster?

Indy: Like, "eliminate."

Rudolph: What? They can't do that. I'm famous! You never heard of a song about "Rudolph the Red Nosed Piping Plover" or "Rudolph the Web-Footed Balding Eagle."

Indy: Deer are a nuisance.

Rudolph: People ain't exactly saints, either.

Indy: Nevertheless, you might want to consider moving out of town before hunting season begins.

Rudolph: Maybe I'll go to North Haven.

Indy: Not such a good idea. Why not go back to the North Pole?

Rudolph: The restraining order.

Indy: Now what? Vixen? Cupid?

Rudolph: Naw, Dasher. Hey, it was one night. We had tequila and 'ludes and the next thing you know he was . . . so I . . .

Indy: Never mind. The big question is would Santa take you back?

Indy: He wasn't crazy about our last contract proposal.

Indy: Why?

Rudolph: Well my agent demanded an additional paid day off every year.

Indy: For what?

Rudolph: To do my Christmas shopping.

Indy: The big question is whether or not the nose will light up.

Rudolph: Hey, pal! Rudolph always comes through! You don't worry about me getting up for Christmas, buddy! Just make sure Dancer and Blitzen are ready to pull their load!

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