Have you noticed that people don't make New Year's resolutions anymore? I guess we're entering a new era where people have had it up to here with trying to improve themselves. You may ask, "Why should I try to improve my life when Donald Trump and the little fat kid in North Korea are taunting each other with nuclear bombs? We may all be dead before 2019 – why waste time on improvements?"
I say that even while facing imminent death, I'm still willing to lie to others (and myself) about fixing my shortcomings and improving my life.
The fact is, I don't take resolutions lightly, and I'm not like those people who, on January 1 at 12:01 AM, make their resolutions while they're drunk and bloated. What amateurs! They're a disgrace to the grand old pastime of self-denial.
Since I plan to be drunk and bloated every minute of 2018, I have plenty of time. What's more, I believe the longer you take and the more thought you put into your New Year's resolutions, the better the chance that you're going to forget them the minute temptation comes your way. No one loves temptation more than I do.
So here goes, this year's Della Femina resolutions, some of which sound suspiciously like last year's resolutions.
1. I resolve not to laugh, chuckle, chortle, giggle, snigger, titter, snort, or make funny faces when I speak to my Democrat friends and they tell me that Obama's record with Iran and North Korea; his letting tens of thousands of innocent people die when he punted on Syria; his being out to lunch on Benghazi; his anti-Israel stance; his getting rid of our troops in Iraq so that ISIS was formed, then blaming George W. Bush for ISIS being formed, and a million other disasters makes him a great president compared to Trump.
Trump is a horrible president. Let's not give him any reason to say he's being treated unfairly and have it turn out to be true.
2. I resolve not to watch another Hollywood circle-jerk award show like the Golden Globes. Those idiots paraded out a 99-percent dead, 101-year-old Kirk Douglas without checking out the story that he allegedly beat up and raped 16-year-old Natalie Wood in 1954 when he was more than twice her age. If those Hollywood twinkies had any courage, they would have asked Douglas on air whether he ever touched Natalie. His answer would have been, "AAARUGGGG."
3. I resolve not to laugh at the fact that Hollywood's idea of solidarity against horrible alleged rapists like Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey is for all the woman to wear black dresses. I haven't seen so many black dresses since the last time I attended an Italian funeral. Years ago, when an Italian man died, all of his female relatives would put on black dresses and wear them for the rest of their lives.
4. I resolve not to run with the crowd on the sexual harassment issue. Sexual harassment is disgusting and the people who force themselves on a man or woman should go to jail for rape. That said, I can't take the words of a "Today Show" staffer seriously when she says she entered into a consensual sexual affair with Matt Lauer for months but now has jumped on the bandwagon and says, "Even though my situation with Matt was consensual, I ultimately felt like a victim because of the power dynamic." Power dynamic my ass.
AND ON A MORE PERSONAL DESTRUCTIVE NOTE:
5. I resolve to go on the Chris Christie Diet. I will eat more fat and consume more delicious empty calories. I also plan to devour more sugar and rid my diet of fresh fruits and vegetables, whose tastes are greatly overrated.
6. I resolve to pour salt on everything until my blood pressure pops out of the top of my cute bald head. I will salt capers, anchovies, and even Campbell's soup, which is 95 percent salt and five percent water.
7. I resolve to start smoking again. I'm going back to two packs of unfiltered Camels and eight cigars a day.
8. I resolve to stop being Mr. Nice Guy and to lose my temper and throw tantrums every chance I get.
9. I resolve not to let the New York Giants break my heart in 2018 the way they did in 2017.
10. I resolve not to pay attention to my resolution #9 about the Giants. They can break my heart any time they want.
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