Did you ever have one of those days when everything and everybody makes you angry? Usually, if I may say so myself, I'm a pleasant enough guy. But today I'm in a rotten mood.
It started this morning when my phone rang at 8:15 AM. It was obviously a robo-call. The voice on the other end was clearly not American. He spoke the type of English I usually hear from Uber drivers who left Uzbekistan a few months ago to seek their fortunes in the United States.
He said, "Isa ... isa ... this Jerry De Femmmminna?"
"No," I said.
"Can I speak to Jerry Del Femmmminna" (he pronounced my name differently every time he said it).
"No, you can't," I said.
Long pause on his end.
"He's dead," I said. I looked at my wife, the beautiful Judy Licht, and her eyes were rolling to the back of her head.
The foreign-sounding voice said, "Jerry Deel Frmmmmmina?"
"Dead! Dead! Dead!" I said.
Now the voice was getting confused. "Dell Fem …" I interrupted: "He's dead. Let us pray for his soul."
The man on the other side of the phone was in a quiet panic.
"PRAY!" I shouted. "OUR FATHER WHO ART IN HEAVEN.
"YOU! WHY AREN'T YOU PRAYING?
"WHAT KIND OF PERSON ARE YOU?"
From the phone came the sound, "DDDDfemmn." Then he hung up. The fact that this idiot was trying to hustle me pissed me off, and I wasn't happy that Judy is never amused when I do this.
I'm also pissed off that everything is going wrong. My football Giants are a disaster. They're 0-and-3. They have Ben McAdoo – who I like to call McAdoo-doo – the worst coach in football. Will the owners get rid of him? No. That would mean they made a mistake when they hired him. Nobody admits their mistakes.
I'm pissed off that we still have the United Nations. Who needs them? They send their leaders here every September to celebrate their opening day or whatever the hell it is. They screw up our traffic. They hate Israel. Trump, who is almost never right, was absolutely right in the speech he made to the UN the other day. They achieve nothing. They never have, never will, and why do we have to put up with them?
Do you know what the best thing is about the United Nations? Our ambassador, Nikki Haley. She's smart. She's tough. Let me state now that Nikki Haley gets my vote for president in 2020. Remember, you read it here first.
As for all you Democrats who would never vote for a Republican: Wake up. Here's a Republican who deserves your vote. I'm sick of Democrats and Republicans who vote for their party instead of their country.
Now, everyone who reads this column must know that I can't stand Trump and I'm convinced he will go down as the worst president in our history. As it stands, there is only one man alive who can save the Trump presidency, and that's the little fat kid from North Korea. All the fat kid has to do is launch a single missile toward our country or any country in the world – like he's threatening to do – and Trump retaliates with nuclear weapons and turns North Korea into the world's largest parking lot. Then it's a new ballgame.
Additionally, how great it would be if someone chops off Trump's two tweeting fingers, keeping him from ever sending another tweet, or even picking his nose. He'll still be a terrible president, but maybe the country won't have to hold its breath every morning, waiting to find out what his latest idiot tweet idea is.
Note to the Secret Service: This is a humor column. I am not advocating that anyone harm a fake hair on the head of our dumber-than-dirt president.
Let me end on a positive note. Below is what my hero, the great Max Boot, wrote in his wonderful column describing his political beliefs. It's the exact way I would describe myself. So with thanks to Max Boot, here's word-for-word what we believe:
"I am socially liberal: I am pro-LGBTQ rights, pro-abortion rights, pro-immigration. I am fiscally conservative: I think we need to reduce the deficit and get entitlement spending under control. I am pro-environment: I think that climate change is a major threat that we need to address. I am pro-free trade: I think we should be concluding new trade treaties rather than pulling out of old ones. I am strong on defense: I think we need to beef up our military to cope with multiple enemies. And I am very much in favor of America acting as a world leader: I believe it is in our own self-interest to promote and defend freedom and free markets as we have been doing in one form or another since at least 1898."