You're Donald Trump and you are to the American presidency what Joey Chestnut stuffing 72 Nathan's Famous hot dogs into his disgusting mouth is to fine dining.
You're in over your head and you know it. If you're not totally, hopelessly delusional, then every night must be a nightmare.
There's the Russian/election mess, the healthcare mess, and what about that tax cut you promised? How are you going to handle the little North Korean fat kid who may be even nuttier than you?
Where's that stupid wall you promised the yokels you would get the Mexican government to pay for? Where are all the jobs you promised? Where are the nation's infrastructure improvements you promised?
How did we, thanks to your bumbling, turn into the laughingstock of all the nations that used to respect us?
You must lie in bed, staring at the ceiling and wondering how you can talk your way out of the mess you've made of the presidency in just six months.
Some nights you panic and that's when, with shaking hands, you jump up and go into your Twitter mode, and you tweet to get even for whatever imagined slight or middle-of-the-night vendetta is keeping you from sleeping.
The next day you declare another victory.
You're good at that.
As far as you're concerned, you have never failed at anything. You just tell bold-faced lies that whatever you were involved in was really, really a great success.
Trump Airline? It was really, really a great success.
Trump University? That was really, really, really a great success. (Your "tell" is the more the "reallys," the bigger the lie.)
Presidents, on occasion, fail to tell the truth. We all remember "Read my lips: no new taxes," or "If you like your doctor, you will be able to keep your doctor." And then there was, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman."
But you, Mr. President, never tell the truth. Never. Never. Never.
That's why you will go down in history as the worst president in this nation's history. Move over Jimmy Carter. Move over Millard Fillmore. Move over James Buchanan. Move over Warren Harding. Make way for Donald Trump.
You've turned politics and the presidency into a phony wrestling match. You prance around the White House and the world like Gorgeous George, a fat, fake wrestler of the 1950s. We needed a president. We got a clown.
When did it all go wrong for you?
You were the schoolyard bully of the Republican National Convention, and it worked.
You were the draft-dodging dork who had the gall to make fun of a great American hero like John McCain because he was captured while flying in the Vietnam War and spent more than five years as a POW in various North Vietnamese prison camps.
When you campaigned, the handful of fools who showed up at your rallies and fell for your antics believed you when you said people from Mexico were rapists and killers.
They believed you when you screamed that all Muslims were terrorists. And when you zeroed in on Hillary Clinton they screamed along with you when you chanted, "Lock Her Up. Lock Her Up."
The 62 million good, honest people who voted for you will never see the jobs and health care and happiness and victories you promised.
You've talked the talk, but you've never walked the walk. You whine that the press is against you. You're right, they are. Just as they have been against almost every president we've ever had.
Yes, the press let Barack Obama get away with a lot, but if you have any sense of history you would know the terrible things the press said about Truman, Reagan, Eisenhower, and a lot of others.
That didn't stop them from being great presidents. The only president who reacted against the press as you have was Richard Nixon, and you know what happened to him.
"Fake news?" Sure it is, but The New York Times, CNN, MSNBC, and the rest of the left-leaning press is not keeping you from telling the truth.
You can't stop lying, and you've discovered that the only way to get people to forget one of your outrageous acts is to commit an even more outrageous act the next time.
Where will it end? Do you plan to defile the Statue of Liberty? Do you plan to say that every time you see the Statue of Liberty she has blood in her eyes, blood coming out from her robes -- blood everywhere? Maybe you should see a shrink and find out how to handle your issues with women and menstruation.
At the rate you're going, you will achieve nothing in your presidency except to make good on your campaign slogan. Yes, in November, 2020, you will be voted out of office and America will be great again.
(Thanks to Jimmy Cannon for the "You're Donald Trump" format.)
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