It seems I repeat this column every few years.
Or every time a female teacher has sex with a 16-year-old male student.
Let me establish some ground rules here so every one of those people who hates this column can remember what it is about me that they hate.
Here's my arbitrary ground rule. The magic number is 16 years old – not one day younger. And we're only talking about female teachers who get involved with boys age 16 and older. All other combinations should not be tolerated and should be punished to the fullest extent of the law. I'm talking major jail time here.
A female acquaintance recently challenged me on this and subtly played the gender card by saying, "You sexist pig. What about a 16-year-old girl and a handsome 24-year-old male teacher?" My answer was, "Absolutely not. A male teacher being involved with a 16-year-old girl student always involves seduction on his part. A female teacher and a 16-year-old boy is not about seduction, it's about mercy." It was a wise sage (perhaps Billy Crystal) who once said, "Women need a reason; 16-year-old boys need a place."
Speaking of jail time, the woman in this latest case is a gym teacher at Grover Cleveland High School. Her name is Joy Morsi, she's 38 years old and she's being hit with rape and child-endangerment charges because she had sex with a 16-year-old male student in the class supply closet and in the gym.
She apparently became jealous of the 16-year-old because he went to the prom with a student his own age, so she had sex with another 16-year-old boy and she got nailed . . . er . . . er . . . nabbed again.
What's most remarkable is that Joy Morsi had these affairs despite the fact that her husband teaches science in the same school, although I suspect his Bunson burners are not burning that brightly these days.
She faces 15 years in jail, and I think that's horrible and unfair. Instead of 15 years in jail, I'm sure most men reading this think she should have a ticker-tape parade for her contributions to mankind.
Ms. Morsi has changed my impression of female gym teachers. I always thought that most female gym teachers are lesbians.
NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT!!!!
The world has changed.
Back when when I was in high school, having sex with a teacher was the stuff a boy could fantasize about every minute of the day.
Today it seems that just about every 16-year-old boy going to school in New York City has been having sex with a female teacher.
A year or so ago, Julie Warning, a beautiful global studies teacher, was caught making out in a park with her student Eric Arty.
Turns out he won a $400 bet among his friends as to who was going to be the first to bed the 26-year-old teacher.
Margaret Riordan, a Hunter science teacher, was caught having sex with a 16-year-old student and introducing him to "sexual positions," according to a lawsuit by the boy's mom.
A few years ago our former great Mayor Michael Bloomberg closed my old Brooklyn high school, Lafayette, because it was infested with warring gangs and there weren't enough students making it to graduation.
When I went to Lafayette, a million years ago, the school was infested with warring gangs and there weren't enough students making it to graduation.
A high school Mayor Bloomberg left open was James Madison High School in the Midwood section of Brooklyn.
Great school. Great students. Great graduation record. So much better than Lafayette.
Do you know why James Madison had a great graduation record? Because no male student was ready to leave the school and give up the sex.
Two years ago Erin Sayar, a 36-year-old James Madison teacher, was arrested for having sex with 16-year-old football star Kevin Eng during tutoring sessions in the classroom.
James Madison is a hotbed of sex, and apparently there just aren't enough 16-year-old boys to go around.
A year or so ago Alini Brito and Cindy Mauro, two female teachers, were caught in a naked embrace in a classroom at James Madison by a janitor.
Instead of quietly cleaning up around them and taking pictures with his iPhone, as any red-blooded American male would do, the shocked janitor called school officials.
This is depressing to me and any male over 50. How did we miss out on all this teacher-student sex?
The sexiest thing that ever happened to me at Lafayette High School was I once saw my buxom earth science teacher's bra strap when her button popped. I hyperventilated and got so excited I almost had a heart attack.
This doesn't mean that Lafayette was sexless, as the following story will show.
Years ago, on the 50th anniversary celebration of Lafayette High School, I was lucky enough to be one of the 10 graduates honored by the school. It was pretty "heady" company for me to be in.
Larry King; Sandy Koufax, the greatest pitcher in history; Fred Wilpon, owner of the Mets, and actor Paul Sorvino were among the honorees.
After we all made our speeches I was approached by a man who graduated from Lafayette High School the same year that I did. I'll call him Goldstein. I liked Goldstein but I must say I always found him to be a bit self-centered, smug and cocky.
We talked. "I've been to your restaurant in East Hampton and I love it," he said.
"I see you being interviewed on television all the time," he added.
"You're married to Judy Licht. I always love watching her on television."
I beamed, again.
"How big is your advertising agency?" he inquired. I told him.
He was most impressed.
I was starting to feel a little smug and self-satisfied myself.
My wife, the beautiful Judy Licht, always says, "High school reunions are really all about getting even."
After a time I asked him how he was doing.
"Lost my job a few years ago – haven't been able to connect with anything."
I was way ahead on points.
I was embarrassed – I changed the subject. I brought up the names of some of our old teachers. Did he remember Miss Whicker? Miss O'Conner?
Then I mentioned the sexiest-looking teacher in the school, Miss Debarto (not her real name).
Miss Debarto was an English teacher who used to run one of those after-school clubs that, now that I think about it, was favored by members of the football team.
"Miss Debarto? We all ****ed her," smiled Goldstein.
"We all ****ed her."
"It's the truth."
Just then a big, bulky guy walked by.
Goldstein shouted, "Hey Nardico, tell Jerry about Miss Debarto."
Without missing a beat Nardico said, "I ****ed her in the audio-visual room. She even took me to her house once."
That was it – Goldstein had won. He beat me.
Forget I had a restaurant, forget my ad agency, forget this newspaper . . . forget Sandy Koufax's Hall of Fame . . . forget Wilpon's Mets . . . forget Larry King's popularity . . . everything was meaningless. Goldstein had beaten us all when he was 16.
Goldstein had "schtupped" Miss Debarto.
That son-of-a-bitch. No wonder he was smug then. No wonder he's smug now.
My evening was ruined. I felt like a loser. I excused myself, turned on my heel and walked towards the dance floor where a lot of graying, middle-aged, slightly overweight men and women – many of whom were holding their high school sweethearts – were dancing to the tune of "Teach Me Tonight."
I remembered the final words of the song:
"One thing isn't very clear my love,
Teacher shouldn't stand so near my love.
Graduation's almost here my love,
You'd better teach me tonight."
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