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March 19, 2014
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Jerry's Ink


ODDS AND ENDS


This column is made up of a lot of odds-and-ends joke lists I've received from friends on the Internet.

I didn't have time to think of and write an original column because, frankly, this week I have been obsessed with the missing Malaysia Airlines flight 370.

I have come to the conclusion that one of the pilots decided to kill himself and the plane is lying at the bottom of the Indian Ocean. My guess it was the older pilot, Capt. Zaharie Ahmad Shah. We will never know.

Since I'm a nervous flyer I will exclusively patronize any airline that announces they will have a psychiatrist in the cockpit on every flight to check if the pilot might be depressed.

In the meantime, enjoy the lists. Some of them may give you a laugh.


QUESTIONS

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do "The Alphabet Song" and "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your behind?

KNOW THE LAW

1. Law of Mechanical Repair –

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity –

Any tool, nut, bolt or screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3. Law of Probability –

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Variation Law –

If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

5. Law of the Bath –

When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

6. Law of Close Encounters –

The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

7. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arenas –

At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer or the toilet and who will leave early, before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

8. Law of Physical Surfaces –

The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face-down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

9. Law of Logical Argument –

Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

10. Doctors' Law –

If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor – by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

TOP 3 REASONS WHY SOME MEN HAVE DOGS AND NOT WIVES

1. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

2 Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

3. If a dog smells another dog on you, it won't kick you in the crotch.

If you wish to comment on "Jerry's Ink" please send your message to jerry@dfjp.com.

  1. print email
    Let's Count Our Blessings
    March 18, 2014 | 10:41 PM

    All great jokes Jerry, but here's one of my favorites ...

    "What do you call ten lawyers chained together at the bottom of the ocean?"

    Answer: "A good beginning." Badda bing; badda boom!

    As for Flight #370 ...

    "What do you call a Boeing 777 that suddenly disappears into nowhere, with your wife on-board, while you are having lunch at the Gramercy Tavern?"

    Answer: "The hand of God".

    LOL, Bill

    Bill Crandall
  2. print email
    Let's Count Our Blessings - Addendum
    March 18, 2014 | 11:05 PM

    Not to forget another one of my favorite all-time marital jokes ...

    "What's the definition of ambivalence?"

    Answer: "Your wife driving off a cliff in your brand new Mercedes." BC

    Bill Crandall
  3. print email
    Let's Count Our Blessings - Final Jokes
    March 18, 2014 | 11:20 PM

    Since Jerry and I have both Christians and Jews in our families, and since NYC is the "real deal" for simple, honest good humor ... people want to know:

    "Why are Jewish divorces so expensive?"

    Answer: "Because they're worth it!"

    Also ...

    "Why do so many married Jewish men die so young?"

    Answer: "Because they want to." BC



    Bill Crandall
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