Gurney's Inn
March 12, 2014

Jerry's Ink


Er . . . Mr. Devil . . . er . . . er . . . your holiness, we have a problem.

What's this "your holiness" crap? I'm the Devil. This is hell and naturally hell is full of problems. That's what hell is all about – problems.

Mr. Devil, it's that same group that has been causing all the trouble since 1875 and now they're threatening another revolution and they say that when they take over hell you'll be out on your tail.

Send them in. I will show them that you can't negotiate with the devil.


Who are you?

I'm Stalin.

I'm Lenin.

I'm Marx.

I'm Khrushchev, and we're pissed. I'm the spokesman.

In 1951 I told that schmuck Nixon that communism will win over capitalism.

In 1953 I told the world and the United States that "We Will Bury You." I said communism would defeat capitalism.

The whole world laughed at us.

People all over the world said: Who wants to live in a world where the government owns everything? Who wants to live in a country where if you work hard and make a lot of money you have to give most of it to the government so they can give it to someone who didn't work as hard?

Then the Berlin Wall came down and everyone thought socialism and communism were dead. We went down in history as losers. But now our day has come. America is heading our way. Soon it will be a socialist state. Let us praise Barack Obama.

America fell for Obama's attractive smile, handsome face and great speechmaking ability.

Americans didn't listen to what he said, but they sure loved the way he said it. They even re-elected him after he messed up his first term.

Obama called for a redistribution of wealth and he has kept his promise. He talks about the 1% with money taking advantage of the middle class and the poor.

Soon the wealthy will be eliminated.

And, of course, we have Obamacare.

Yes, there have been a few shall we say "hurdles," but with his executive orders and his ignoring Congress, in time Obama will completely control healthcare.

Next will come the other "enemies of the state": The pharmaceutical companies. The insurance companies. They must be destroyed.

Then will come forcing doctors to work for the state. America will have socialized medicine with everyone getting terrible but free health care equally.

Thanks to Obama, the unions are on the way back and they are more powerful than ever.

There is no opposition. The Republican Party is stumbling and bumbling. Rand Paul? Would you believe that Libertarian putz Rand Paul running against our sainted Hillary?

America is on the way to being a one-party country.

And someday Russia will occupy it.

Putin will first send Russian soldiers to occupy Brighton Beach in Brooklyn because he will claim Brighton Beach is his because it's filled with Russians.

Naturally Obama will file the strongest, strongest, strongest protest with the U.N. He will go on television and put on his most serious face. He will say he's setting the red line in Prospect Park in Brooklyn, and when the Russians take Prospect Park, Obama promises he will stamp his feet in protest.

Wait a minute. I'm the Devil. What do I care about Obama, and all this stuff. What am I supposed to do about all this?

Give us the respect and recognition we deserve.

Senator Nancy Pelosi won't be satisfied until life is hell on earth for anyone who works for a living. Certainly, Mr. Devil, she's working for you. Let her stand up and recognize us as the people who were redistributing wealth long before that newcomer Obama.

As Devil you are close to some of the media, like The New York Times and MSNBC. Let them stop pretending they're impartial. Let them give credit where credit is due.

Let the world honor us. Communism and socialism has defeated capitalism in the United States of America.

What else do you want?

No offense, Mr. Devil, but you're getting old. We demand a voice in who will succeed you in ten billion years.

Forget Obama, forget Pelosi, forget Harry Reid. Forget Newt Gingrich. Forget that strutting fool Putin.

We insist that there is a man who will rise to the top of the socialist world and lead us all to glory in hell.

This is a man who will rule the world of communism with an iron fist.

This is a man who knows how to hypnotize the poor into blindly following him. Today New York . . . tomorrow Europe, Africa and Latin America.

This is a man who, in our opinion, is the Socialist/Communist Rookie of the Year.

Let's hear it for Bill de Blasio, Mayor of New York City.

Bill de Blasio. I've had my Devil's eye on him.

He would be a good choice to succeed me in ten billion years. He does show promise. He's only been Mayor for a few weeks and already New York City is going to hell.

Come join us, Mr. Devil. Let us chant the Bill de Blasio mantra:


If you wish to comment on "Jerry's Ink" please send your message to

  1. print email
    Sympathy for the Devil
    March 12, 2014 | 06:57 PM

    But after further consideration the Devil said ...

    "Yeah, de Balsio's on my radar because he'll take money away from the rich. And there's not much I like better than seeing wealthy people lose everything. But frankly, I'd rather see Cruz, Bachmann or Palin succeed me because they'll take money away from the poor. And how much more fun would that be to see? Maybe a homeless single Mom with kids; nowhere to go; and no food for the day? I love it. Maybe a 'senior' being denied medical treatment because they have no more money? Absolutely fabulous!"

    Wow, Mr. Devil, that's pretty hardcore!

    "Well, yes it is. But human suffering is the name of my game and I really like going for the low-hanging fruit."

    But Jesus Christ, Satan, that would hurt so many people!

    "So what, my little Democrat friend. I'm a Conservative Republican at heart and my main job is to take care of my people. Vanity and avarice being my favorite sins!"

    But that's only 1.0% of the wealthiest in the U.S., Mr. Devil.

    "So true, so true. But that's not the point. According to every political poll, I've got a guaranteed 35% of American voters already in my pocket and that's a pretty good beginning. Ironically, many of them are religious nuts for the Other Guy, but (LOL) I'll take them."

    You're a very scarey man Mr. Devil.

    "Well, thank you very much!"

    Bill Crandall
  2. print email
    Welcome to Hell article
    March 14, 2014 | 01:48 PM

    Thank you for the latest INK. Always enjoy them. Even forward them to my brother in Kansas even though our politics are far apart.
    Please keep up the great work. You are a great writer. I'm originally from NYC and love your writing.
    Peggy Medford

    Peggy Medford
  3. print email
    What About Me?
    March 15, 2014 | 02:44 AM

    Hey Peggy ... As one of Jerry's very good friends (but not nearly as famous), what about my post? Somebody has to stay on JDF's Republican/Conservative/Tea Party butt, or he'll get even crazier. LOL, BC

    Bill Crandall
  4. print email
    March 18, 2014 | 06:18 AM

    I notice a Bill C. posts a lot on the columns, always says he is Jerry's good friend, but constantly critisizes Jerry's articles, are you really Jerry's friend, usually friends do not have to say they are.

    James Michelin
  5. print email
    March 20, 2014 | 09:13 AM

    "From the guys who gave us pearl harbor" You have come a long way ! Mr devil lives in all of us,in some he is more evident while in others very subtle! The conservative mindset is not to punish the down trodden it is empower them! Jerry you need to know the difference between the poor and the lazy and stop rewarding the lazy with the hard earned money of those who are responsible! You have an opportunity and not withstanding the game of politics you owe to your self to embrace reality!. WE are going broke and the welfare state keeps getting bigger with your brand satire! be well / enjoy the hamptons

    Theodore J Maher
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