February 19, 2014

Jerry's Ink


"What are you doing in my bedroom?"

"Me and Little Willie thought we would pay you a visit and play that game we used to play when we were in Arkansas years ago. You know, you be the country and I'll be the President. Or, if you want, we can play a new game. I'll be country and you can be the President."

"You pervert. If you don't leave my room right this minute I'm going to scream. I warn you, the Secret Service is right outside my door. They're armed and they're here to protect me."

"But honey, I used to be the President, and compared to the guy in office now I was a combination of Abraham Lincoln, George Washington and Teddy Roosevelt. Everyone loved me. Everyone loves me and I'm pining for ya."

"Well, you better stay away from me."

"But honey, it's been so long."

"Cool off. I'm expecting a headache any minute."

"How am I going to cool off?"

"This is how to cool off. Repeat after me: Nancy Pelosi, Nancy Pelosi, Nancy Pelosi."

"Now honey, the rest of the country forgave me for lying to them years ago. When are you going to forgive me?"

"I'll forgive you when the country believes our latest cover story that Benghazi was started as a riot because the Arabs were incensed at the way NBC was treating Jay Leno…

"I'll forgive you when Miley Cyrus joins the convent of the Little Sisters of the Poor...

"I'll forgive you when Newt Gingrich announces he is going to imitate Mother Theresa and move to a leper colony...

"I'll forgive you when..."

"Okay, okay Hillary. I get the picture. I'll leave."

"Wait, don't go. I still have some use for you. I want to bounce some things off of you."

"Now you're talking – that's just what I had in mind."

"Not that, you letch.

"I want to know what I can do to improve my approval ratings. Half the country wants me to be their President and the other half vomits when they hear my name."

"Well Hillary, you know how Obama destroyed his Presidency when he stumbled and fumbled Obama Care? Honey, you can offer Hillary Care, where everyone is covered. Plus everyone can really keep their health insurance if they like it, plus you're offering full coverage for pets because veterinary bills are out of sight and there are many sick dogs and cats that should be covered. Let's see how those dopey Republicans in Congress can justify why they voted to let a lot of little kids' sick pets die like dogs."

"Great, I'll do that. What else?"

"How about announcing that when you are President you will immediately call for the elimination of that pig Kim Jong-un."

"How does that work?"

"That means when you're elected you drop the big one on North Korea, kill a few million people, then you deny it ever happened.

"Then we start a story that the bomb was dropped by a group of people who were angry at some movie that ran on Netflix or YouTube.

"Then you give Congress your old 'What Difference Does It Make?' line.

"Then you close with the standard 'It will take additional research to figure out how all those people in North Korea died.'

"Then we break out a new slogan for you that will win you both the liberal Democrat and conservative Republican vote."

"And what will that slogan be, Bill?"

"Hillary Clinton. She's Barack Obama with balls."

"Not bad. What else?"

"How about: If elected you will nationalize Apple and the phone and cable companies because they're making too much money anyway."

"What about Israel?"

"I say you offer to move Israel to Utah, where it's beautiful. Give every Jew the choice to be a Mormon and have up to 10 wives.

"And presto! There will be peace in the Middle East and all those Arabs will be free to kill each other in the name of God."

"Good idea. You're getting close, Bill, and I'm ready to allow you to touch my thigh, but first you have to do one more thing to win me the love of all of America.

"Remember how popular I was when they tried to impeach you and I stood by your side even though you had screwed around in the Oval Office? Remember how everyone saw me as the loyal, wronged woman?

"Well, it's time for those glory days again, Bill, for me and for the nation. And yes, I know she's put on some weight, but Bill, I want you to screw Monica Lewinsky live on HBO. We'll say we're doing this just once to illustrate what the Republicans do every day in their never-ending 'War On Women.'

"And Bill, this time while you're doing it I want you to look into the camera and say, 'I am not having sex with this woman Monica Lewinsky.'

"That should put me over the top with the sympathy vote."

"Yes sir, and may I be the first person to call you Madame President."

"Come here, you big lug."

If you wish to comment on "Jerry's Ink" please send your message to jerry@dfjp.com.

  1. print email
    Both hysterical...I mean historical
    February 19, 2014 | 10:46 AM

    As I said....Jerry, really, really clever. And Bill, not too shabby, either. Now I can start my day.

    Vicki Racimo
  2. print email
    In Bed with JFK and Jackie
    February 19, 2014 | 12:56 PM

    "What are you doing in my bedroom?"

    "Well, 'Little John' and I thought we'd pay you a visit."

    "But it's Tuesday. Isn't this your night with Marilyn or Judy?"

    "Well, ah, ah, Marilyn is still tied up on the West Coast, and Sam Giancana just cut off my oats in Chicago (Judith Exner Campbell)."

    "Gee honey, that's a tough break. Couldn't you have called Mimi, or Sally, or Jane?"

    "Well, I did. But they never called back. So now, there is only you. My one-and-only."

    "Thanks so much Jack! But the night is young and it's not too late. Maybe call Bobby for one of his "sloppy seconds" in town?".

    Well, I thought of that, but I'm really tired and just want to get this over with. Big day tomorrow with the Cubans and Russians, you know!"

    "But of course Jack. What would you like to do?"

    "I don't know. What do you do?"

    Bill Crandall

    Bill Crandall
  3. print email
    For Vicki Racimo - Just to Balance Her Day
    February 21, 2014 | 01:49 AM


    "What are you doing in my bedroom?"¯

    "Well, Mommy, I actually thought I was in the kitchen."¯

    "No Ronnie, you're in my bedroom. How can I help you?"¯

    "Well, I was hungry and hoping for a nice piece of tender chicken or veal cutlet to eat."¯

    "So sorry Ronnie. Nothing like that here to eat. But how about a nice piece of aged, bottom-round roast beef?"¯

    "Well, actually, maybe, Yes. I love that too. In fact, I remember the time I was out on the range wrangling herds of cattle on Death Valley Days !"¯

    "Stick to the point Mr. President. Do you want roast beef or not?"¯

    LOL, Bill Crandall

    Bill Crandall
  4. print email
    In Bed with Rosalynn and Jimmy - For Vicki
    February 25, 2014 | 02:28 AM

    Again, for Vicki ... Before this topic is gone ...


    "What are you doing in my bedroom?"

    "Well darlin', I haven't seen you in a few days and just thought I'd stop by to see if I can do anything for you."

    "I don't know Jimmy. Are you done 'Lusting in your heart'?"

    Well, I think so sweetheart. But a man can never be sure."

    "Oh Lord! Then would you and your "little peanut" please leave my room?"


    Bill Crandall
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