So on Sunday night I was stretched out in bed in a fetal position with my thumb in my mouth mourning the horrific loss by my football Giants, trying to figure out why the Giants' hapless defensive coordinator, Perry Fewell, went into a "prevent" defense and put no pressure at all on Dallas quarterback Tony Romo while Romo marched his team down the field in the closing seconds of the game.
I searched for something that I should be thankful for on this Thanksgiving. "Let me see where I am at this stage of my life," I thought.
Bill de Blasio is my new mayor.
Barack "If you like your insurance you can keep your insurance" Obama is going to be President for the next three years.
Tom Coughlin, the old fool who would not play Hakeem Nicks – our wide receiver who could have won us the game against Dallas – because Nicks hadn't practiced all week, will not be fired along with all his other lame coaches.
I realized I was getting too morose when I noticed my sweet little dog Shlomo was hiding all the sharp instruments in the house.
So I'm going to cheer up. Here goes:
I'M THANKFUL that our country was once run by the Greatest Generation and these brave men and women, Democrats and Republicans, deserve our thanks.
I'M NOT SO THANKFUL because we're in big trouble today with Democrat and Republican turkeys running and ruining our lives. A relative of mine sent me this:
Putting things into perspective: December 7, 1941 to May 8, 1945 is 3 years, 5 months and 1 day. This is the period of time from the day we were attacked at Pearl Harbor to the day Germany surrendered. During that time, we mobilized millions of people, built tens of thousands of tanks, planes, jeeps, subs, cruisers, destroyers, torpedoes, millions upon millions of guns, bombs, ammo, etc. Turned the tide in North Africa, invaded Italy, executed D-Day, the Battle of the Bulge and the Race to Berlin – all while fighting the Japanese in the Pacific! . . . And in the same amount of time our current administration can't build a working webpage – from March 21, 2010 to October 1, 2013 is 3 years, 6 months and 10 days.
I'M THANKFUL that five years ago someone sent me this joke:
Q: What's the difference between Greta Van Susteren and Barack Obama?
A: Greta only talks out of one side of her mouth.
I'M NOT SO THANKFUL that so many people who wrote me nasty letters when I published that joke five years ago are in total agreement with me today, but they never call and they never write.
I'M THANKFUL that my wife, the beautiful Judy Licht, has never once shopped during that roller derby we call Black Friday.
I'M NOT SO THANKFUL that she treats every other day of the year as though it were Black Friday.
I'M THANKFUL that even though Obama was so desperate to make a deal with Iran so he could announce "Peace in Our Time," he apparently made a deal that is so, so bad that even Chuck Schumer and a lot of top Democrats are blasting it. Said one Democrat, Rep. Eliot Engel, "I don't think you bargain in good faith by going 'squishy.'"
I'M NOT SO THANKFUL that Barack Obama, who thinks he's Wilt Chamberlain but acts more like Neville Chamberlain, came up with this cockamamie "deal" with Iran because he needed to get our attention away from the ObamaCare disaster.
Here's the pattern: He will establish a new "red line" that Iran cannot cross, otherwise he will get angry and make a strong speech. And then if Iran nukes Israel he will get really angry and make an even stronger speech. And then if they nuke Saudi Arabia he will tell the United Nations on them.
I'M THANKFUL that Obama is only 17th in GQ's "Least Influential Celebrities of 2013."
I'M NOT SO THANKFUL that Dennis Rodman, Paula Deen, Anthony Weiner, Miley Cyrus, Aaron Hernandez and Tim Tebow are among those who came out ahead of him.
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