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October 30, 2013
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Jerry's Ink


Hilarious


Before you do anything else, get on to a computer and go on this YouTube site:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDSMMfcwaj8&feature=youtu.be

Don't even bother with the rest of this column, it's not that good, but the web site will show you a clip titled "Hitler finds out about Obamacare Exchange Problems . . ."

Guaranteed to give you a great laugh whether you're a bleeding heart Democrat or an outraged Republican.

HOW REPUBLICANS THINK

First of all, resist the obvious temptation to get up and scream at the top of your lungs:

"Obamacare! Benghazi! Fast and Furious! IRS scandal in the White House! Morsi, Erdogan, Muslim Brotherhood and the rest of the Islamist maniacs! Iranian nukes! Bungling Assad and the Russians! Record black unemployment! Black on black murder epidemic! Six, going on seven, years of joblessness! Lowest labor participation rate since women joined the work force! Crony capitalism all over the place! Absurd environmental regulations! Keystone pipeline! Nuclear family vanishing! Single parents everywhere! Homeless in our streets! NSA spying on everyone in the universe! Bankrupt pension plans and escalating entitlements! Everything in hock to the Chinese! $17 trillion in debt with no end in sight! He's the worst president in history! The worst president imaginable!

"Did I leave anything out?"

A good friend of mine posted the two paragraphs above on Facebook. This doesn't come from an ignorant rabble-rouser like me, or some Tea Party goon, but from a wonderful, generous giant of the financial world.

This man – who came from modest beginnings in Newark, New Jersey – has contributed millions to charity and donated $10 million to his alma mater's College of Business and Economics to endow a Department of Finance and several faculty positions. He and his wife also endow a scholarship fund for students from the Newark area.

I won't name him here because I have vowed to never help the IRS target my friends with the IRS secret program titled, "You screw with our Liberal Messiah and we will, in the interest of fairness, audit you."

HOW DEMOCRATS THINK

So I got into an Uber car the other day and the driver was a delightful African-American man in his forties who was on his first day on the job driving for Uber, a great new car service that has the best drivers in the city.

We hit it off and started talking. We both came from Brooklyn, and his enthusiasm over his new job was wonderful. "I already made $100 today," he said.

Then he told me that this was a part-time job and he works for the New York City Department of Sanitation and he will retire in two years.

"I have to do plenty of overtime so that in two years I can retire and I will get a pension of half my highest yearly salary over the last three years.

"If I can get my salary up to $100,000, I can get $50,000 a year pension for the rest of my life.

"Then I'm going to move to Delaware."

"Delaware?" I asked. "Why Delaware?"

"Because it's a great place to bring up my twin boys. They're 11 years old and Bed-Stuy is no place to bring up two boys."

I agreed.

Then he added, "I'm sure glad we're getting a Democrat as Mayor this time."

I thought of Bill de Blasio and what he is going to do to the police department and how much more dangerous it is going to be for every little kid who lives in Bed-Stuy.

I said nothing. Nothing I could say was going to change his mind or his vote.

We got to my destination and I gave him a big tip and wished him the best of luck. I truly meant it.

MOVIE TIP

Do not, I repeat, do not go to see The Counselor at the beloved United Artists East Hampton movie theater.

The movie is a waste of money and one of the worst movies I have ever seen.

Nothing makes sense. It ranks right up there with bad movies like The English Patient and that dog of a movie about the two gay cowboys whose title I have forced myself to forget.

BUT, and this is a big BUT, the first four minutes of The Counselor has what has to be the sexiest, wildest scene I've ever seen in a movie. Michael Fassbender and Penelope Cruz in bed are one step away from porn hot. My suggestion is buy a ticket to one of the other movies they are showing, like Prisoners or Enough Said, then sneak into the theater where The Counselor is showing.

Watch the first four minutes of The Counselor and then leave to see any other movie in the place.

Men, I guarantee that as you limp up the aisle your date or your spouse will be following you muttering, "Why can't you do more of that?"

If you wish to comment on "Jerry's Ink" please send your message to jerry@dfjp.com.

  1. print email
    November 02, 2013 | 12:51 PM

    re: the movie you reviewed... Thanks, but I gave up limping along time ago.

    Al
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