There I was in bed, concentrating on the Military Channel, where the Nazis were once again freezing their butts off just outside of Stalingrad. Next to me my wife, the beautiful Judy Licht, was insisting on giving me her take on the latest government shutdown: "It's time we quit working and got in on the government gravy train."
Though my eyes were glued to the screen, watching thousands of whipped Nazis being herded by their Russian captors, I managed a distracted, "Why?"
"Because you don't want to be the last person working for a living. The new economy is 'Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what you can take from your country.'"
Shifting into overdrive, she went on, "Anyway I don't understand Republicans. How could the Tea Party Republicans think they could take down Obamacare by shutting down the government? Don't those idiots realize they are about to destroy the economy?"
And she continued, "What about those dumb Democrats with Harry 'I will not help kids with cancer until you come crawling on your hands and knees' Reid? They are disgusting, too. I think they would rather play politics than negotiate."
Now she was rolling: "Every Republican and the Democrats in Washington – with the exception of Peter King – are a bunch of dumb, moronic, stupid idiots."
"I think you're overestimating their intelligence," I whispered.
Now it was clear to me that the Nazis were definitely going to turn into popsicles and lose the war, so I started drifting off to sleep.
But that didn't quiet my wife. She continued, "Jerry, I'm terrified. Bill de Blasio and Al Sharpton are going to be running the city. Maybe we should think about living in the Hamptons full time … are you listening to me?"
"Yes, dear," I mumbled.
"And, furthermore, Bloomberg is leaving. When he leaves the city will be in trouble. Don't you think he . . .de Blasio . . . de Blasio…"
The next thing I know, in my nightmare, I'm in a packed Yankee Stadium. A smiling Barack Hussein Obama is standing on the pitcher's mound, and of course next to him the new Mayor Bill de Blasio is waving to the crowd. Al Sharpton has the microphone and is shouting at the enthusiastic crowd, "Bloomberg is history. I'm in charge. The city is ours again." And the audience went wild. "Squeegee guys in section 6, hold up your squeegees and let's hear the squeegee chant."
"GIVE US A DOLLAR OR TWO OR WE MESS UP YOUR WINDSHIELD AND YOU."
"And let's have a big hand for our special guests, the wonderful motorcycle gang who fought off that crazy Asian couple and their demonic two-year-old who went on a rampage, threatening 200 innocent bikers who were on a harmless Sunday drive."
Once again the crowd went crazy.
Then Sharpton pointed to the new Mayor of New York City, Bill de Blasio, and thanked him for his appointment as New York City Police Commissioner.
Sharpton then went on to tell the enthusiastic crowd that as Police Commissioner he would, with a single act, put an end to police violence by disarming the entire New York City police force. "Now I am asking every criminal in this crowd to voluntarily turn in their guns in a show of good faith."
The crowd roared at the joke.
Sharpton then announced that he wanted to say hello to the 5000 inmates from the city's prison hospitals for the criminally insane who were sitting in section 8. He told them how much faith he had that they would successfully replace the policemen as law enforcement officers. "This will make up, in part, for your being held against your will all these years."
"This is the answer to all those people who are saying you have to be crazy to be a cop in New York these days," added a smiling Sharpton. He handed the microphone to de Blasio.
"The presence of five panhandlers on every street corner in Manhattan again is giving New Yorkers who want to help the poor and the handicapped a chance to show they have a heart," said de Blasio. "Under the last fascist administration, this city only belonged to those who worked for a living."
"We're changing all that," de Blasio scoffed at critics. "The crime rate is being artificially inflated by mugging reports and car-jacking reports from the middle class who flaunt their wealth and expect the underprivileged to sit idly by and be oppressed and poor in the richest city in the world," he declared.
At this point I heard someone screaming and discovered it was me. I woke up in a sweat. Was it a dream? Or do I have a future as a star on The Psychic Hotline?
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