Don't you just love what's happening to Alex Rodriguez?
He's such a disgusting, lying piece of slime that I'm surprised he's not running for the Democratic nomination for Mayor of New York City.
He's just one interview away from being Eliot Spitzer and Anthony Weiner – jiving the world, saying they're asking for forgiveness and all that stuff is in the past. Like Rodriguez, they've mastered the art of looking you straight in the eye and lying.
But let's not talk about these losers.
Let's talk about the millions of 10 and 12-year-olds like your grandchildren and mine who love baseball and sadly have no one to root for but lowlifes like A-Rod.
Let's talk of my plan to save baseball for them.
Here's a statistic: 14 million people have made it a point to go visit Cooperstown because it is the home of the National Baseball Hall of Fame & Museum.
But Cooperstown is filled with old ballplayers your kids have never heard of.
Now there's a great deal of controversy about the Hall of Fame and it centers around the fact that there are a lot of modern-day baseball players who should get into the Hall of Fame when they retire because they have even better records than Ruth, Cobb, DiMaggio and Mantle. But these guys have better records because they took human growth hormones and they shot up with steroids that made them into superstars, while guys like Ruth, Cobb and Mantle only had booze and greenies to help them get through the night.
This is a serious controversy because what baseball is saying is: Don't you dare mix these druggies in the same Hall of Fame as our drunks and bigots.
So in my brilliance I'm going to make a suggestion that will prevent baseball from keeping so many of today's stars from being honored and ruin the game for this generation of kids, who think Babe Ruth is the name of a candy bar.
After all, how can you keep a raging psycho like Barry Bonds from being in the Hall of Fame? But at the same time, Bonds overshadows some great players who didn't have chemical help to get them into the Hall.
So here is my brilliant idea. Let's build another Hall of Fame in another town and call it the 'Roid Hall of Fame. A place where today's modern-day cheaters can be honored.Where will we build the 'Roid Hall of Fame?
Since it is my idea, I get to pick the location. I say we build the 'Roid Hall 0f Fame in Yaphank, New York, which is in Suffolk County.
Well, to tell you the truth, I like the way the name sounds. Yaphank sort of sounds like the sound a ball makes when it hits an illegal cork-doctored bat. YAPHANK!!!
Think of it. Fourteen million people traveling on the LIE to go to Yaphank so they can see the Alex Rodriguez statue, the Sammy Sosa bat, and those neat Roger Clemens, Rafael Palmeiro, Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds, Jason Giambi and Manny Ramirez plaques. I guarantee Yaphank will outdraw Cooperstown the first year it opens its doors.
Let's not forget to have the Jose Conseco wing. Conseco is a bit of a bum, but no one has done more for steroid use then Jose. I suggest we etch his immortal words on the entrance to the Jose Conseco wing:
"Yes, I educated three or four players. Rafael Palmeiro, Juan Gonzalez, Ivan Rodriguez. I injected them. Absolutely."
Then there will be the needle room where your kids can see the needles used by all the star players.
And here's something that the kiddies and their parents will love – the only area that isn't devoted to drug users:
The Pete Rose Gambling Pavilion.
Rose was tossed out of baseball for betting on the game. Some of us think he got a raw deal from baseball. But now he can be honored because when you take your kid to the Pete Rose Gambling Pavilion, it's hooked up with Caesars Palace Hotel in Las Vegas, so your sons and daughters can place the first bets of their lives on any major league game that's being played that day.
Now I know some of you prudes think that I'm wrong for suggesting that a 7-year-old kid learn how to place a bet.
My Uncle Freddie (I called him Gee-gee) taught me how to handicap horses when I was nine, and look at what a sterling, holier-than-thou person I've turned into.
I hope you are taking this seriously, because a 'Roid Hall of Fame will save baseball. The thing about the 'Roid Hall of Fame is that you truly have to be a great ballplayer but a flawed individual to make it into the 'Roid Hall.
There is the mistaken belief that every player who takes steroids becomes a super player. Wrong.
Have you ever heard of Gary Bennett Jr., Troy Glaus, Adam Piatt or Jorge Piedra? They are among the hundreds of players who have been named for taking steroids and human growth hormones who are ordinary, run-of-the-mill players with mediocre careers.
And yes, I guess if baseball is grateful enough they might erect a statue to me at the 'Roid Hall of Fame with an inscription reading:
JERRY DELLA FEMINA, THE MAN WHO GAVE THE USE OF STEROIDS IN BASEBALL A MUCH-NEEDED SHOT IN THE ARM.
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