I'm in a crappy mood. I apologize. Please don't read this. Just move on to a happier, less neurotic part of this wonderful newspaper.
My funk started on Sunday. I was driving at a steady 16 miles an hour, hoping to speed up to a crawl on the crowded Long Island Expressway. At exit 36 I glanced at the time on my dashboard – it was 8:16 PM. Then it hit me. It was getting dark fast. Dark? How can it be getting dark at 8:16? What happened to summer? Fifteen minutes later it was middle-of-winter dark.
As best I can remember, Memorial Day was a few hours ago. I'm so bummed out. At my age I'm discovering my biggest enemy is not the clock but the calendar.
I can't stand autumn and I hate winter. Spring is nice because it's full of promise about the upcoming summer. Then summer is here and gone in a flash. It's seven days into August. The fun days have dwindled down to a precious few. Pretty soon the stores will be putting up Back-to-School and Halloween displays.
And now I'm so depressed that I can't think of a single thing that's going right.
I'm depressed by the news, too. I'm getting on a plane next week so now we're on high alert for an attack by al Queda.
Wasn't it a few months ago when Obama the Fearless looked into the camera and announced that al Qaeda was nearly defeated and the war on terrorism had changed since he took office, and that this demanded a broad rethink that included scaling down drone attacks.
Turns out he has described al Qaeda as having been "decimated," "on the path to defeat" or some other variation at least 32 times since the attack on the U.S. Consulate in Benghazi, Libya.
I guess these were his "mission accomplished" moments. I'm sure the press is going to give him the same treatment they gave George W. Bush when he spoke too soon.
Oh? No? You mean they're going to ignore it? No wonder I'm depressed.
Plus it turns out the head of the IRS wants the members of the IRS who have been given the job of enforcing Obamacare on you and me to be exempted from having to comply with Obamacare for themselves. They like their current health insurance plans, they said. So do I. So do a majority of the people reading this. What's our choice?
Then there's the liberal-leaning Washington Post and The New York Times. The Times sold The Boston Globe and took a $900 million loss. The Washington Post just sold itself to Jeff Bezos of Amazon for a fraction of what it once was worth.
It seems that as good as the Obama economic recovery that the Times and the Washington Post keep telling us about, it isn't good enough to keep both papers from bleeding red ink.
Then there's Time Warner. They're in a contract dispute with CBS and so they have turned off CBS in New York City.
I want a refund. We all want a refund. Join with me in demanding that Time Warner pay us for keeping CBS off our television sets. I don't know who's right or who's wrong in this but I know when I signed a contract with Time Warner I signed up for all the stations available. I'm a conscientious objector in their war with CBS. I want a refund.
Don't try to cheer me up with stuff about looking forward to a great end of August and a long Labor Day Weekend. If three months of summer went in a wink, what chance do we have at one last sunny long weekend? It usually rains on Labor Day weekend, and the road on Monday is clogged with cars heading west with bikes on their roofs and couples who are each silently trying to remember the name of a good divorce lawyer.
Those men and woman who aren't married are ending their summer romances. Suddenly "Mr. Right," who was so interesting in July, is really something of a slug in September. And that incredible cute woman who looked great by the dim light of Stephen Talkhouse in June doesn't look as good in the pre-autumn haze.
And pretty soon your little kids will have that "I don't want to go back to school" look on their faces. The anxiety of this terrible last week of summer never leaves you. I still have nightmares about it.
I've tried everything I could to adjust to the end of this summer. I realize I haven't done so many things I usually do in summer. I didn't take my annual beach walk. I haven't barbecued. I haven't gone into the ocean because the water was too cold.
And now summer is over.
And this is the worst part. If you live in New York City, four or five of the worst humans in the world are fighting for the Democratic nomination for Mayor of New York.
Mayor Bloomberg may be a pain in the ass, but he's our pain in the ass. I'm begging him to run for mayor of New York again. I will even give up salt if he says yes.
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