Have you noticed that people don't make New Year's resolutions anymore? I guess we're going into a new era where people have had it up to here with trying to improve themselves.
"Let President Obama use other people's money to improve my life," is the new national mood.
Not me. I'm still willing to lie to others (and myself) about fixing my shortcomings and improving my life.
The fact is I don't take these resolutions lightly and I'm not like those people who, on January 1 at 12:01 AM, make their resolutions while they're drunk and bloated. What amateurs! They're a disgrace to the grand old pastime of self-denial.
Since I plan to be drunk and bloated every minute of 2013, I have plenty of time. What's more, I believe the longer you take and the more thought you put into your New Year's resolutions, the better the chance that you're going to forget them the minute temptation comes your way. No one loves temptation more than I do.
So here goes, this year's Della Femina resolutions, which sound suspiciously like last year's resolutions.
1. I resolve to go on the Chris Christie Diet. I will eat more fat and consume more delicious empty calories. I also plan to devour more sugar and rid my diet of fresh fruits and vegetables, whose tastes are greatly overrated.
2. I resolve to pour salt on everything until my blood pressure pops out of the top of my cute bald head. I will salt capers, anchovies and even Campbell's Soup, which is 95 percent salt and 5 percent water.
3. I resolve to start smoking again. I'm going back to two packs of unfiltered Camels and eight cigars a day.
4. I resolve to stop being Mr. Nice Guy and lose my temper and throw tantrums every chance I get.
5. I resolve not to laugh, chuckle, chortle, giggle, snigger, titter, snort or make funny faces when I speak to my Democrat friends and they tell me that they are still happy they voted for Obama and how much they love paying their "Fair Share" of taxes.
6. I resolve not to laugh, chuckle, giggle, snigger, titter, snort or make funny faces when I ask my Jewish friends who voted for Obama how they like his appointment of anti-Israel, pro-"Let's negotiate with Iran and Hamas" Chuck Hagel as Secretary of Defense.
7. I resolve not to laugh, chuckle, giggle, snigger, titter, snort or make funny faces when I ask my gay friends who voted for Obama how they like his appointment of anti-gay Chuck Hagel as Secretary of Defense. In 1998, Hagel made an anti-gay comment about ambassadorial nominee Jim Hormel, opposing him as "openly aggressively gay."†I'm surprised Barney Frank didn't throw a hissy fit at the time.
8. I resolve to start wearing a nice comfy full-length fur coat and I'm going to carry around a bucket of pig's blood to throw on the cloth coat of any anti-fur activist who comes within 10 feet of me.
9. I resolve not to let the New York Giants break my heart again in 2013. They are cursed as long as they keep employing Perry ("Prevent Defense") Fewell, the single worst defensive coach in football history. Fewell keeps his job thanks to the old, feeble head coach Tom Coughlin, who jumps around after every bad play like he's just been goosed by the unseen hand of God.
The Giants could have been a great team in 2012 if they had allowed rookie David Wilson to play instead of sitting him on the bench and pushing brave Ahmad Bradshaw to attempt to run the ball on the two stumps he calls his feet.
10. I resolve to tell that fat, phony Al Gore how happy I am that he sold his flop liberal cable network to Al Jazeera, an Arab network that gives a platform to creeps like Yusuf al-Qaradawi, the Muslim cleric who appears on air to castigate Jews and America and praises suicide bombings. This deal with the emir of Qatar, Sheikh Hamad bin Khalifa, gives Fat Al a $70 million profit. It's Arab fossil fuel money and "Don't do as I do, do as I say" Al closed the sale before the end of the year to save 8.8 percent in additional Obama capital gains taxes.
Why am I so happy? Anytime I can start the year and see clear proof of what hypocrites liberals are when they smell money they can put in their own pocket and avoid paying their "Fair Share" of a tax they want everyone else to pay, I'm a happy man.
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