Hardy Plumbing
November 21, 2012

Jerry's Ink


We have four more years of Obama . . . taxes and unemployment are going up . . . sadly, some people are still suffering the ravages of Sandy . . .

I just know there must be something to be thankful for.

How about if you're reading this it means you're still alive, and that's something to be thankful for. Plus you're still living in a great country no matter who is running or ruining it.

If you're one of the 58,167,260 Republicans who voted for Romney, you need something more to cheer you up.

I searched my files and found this old sweet column from when this story was all over the news. It should make everyone feel warm and wonderful. Happy Thanksgiving.

Admit it. Even before you saw this silly column you rushed to read all about Diane DeMartini-Scully, the East Hampton middle school psychologist and her alleged seduction of a 16-year-old boy.

I don't blame you. Frankly, I'm obsessed with this story, too.

Why? Because it's still shocking to read about older women lusting after 16-year-old boys. And when the older woman in question turns out to be a shrink, let me tell you that makes for one "hot" story.

It's the kind of story people read and then tell everyone about, but usually start by saying, "Isn't it disgusting . . ."

Not so fast. First of all, the boy was not her patient, he was her daughter's boyfriend. She's 45 and she stole her 16-year-old daughter's boyfriend?

Doesn't it make you wonder what the Thanksgiving Day meal is going to be like in the DeMartini-Scully household?

"Pass the cranberries please."

"Mommy, you sick bitch, you stole my boyfriend."

"And just how does that make you feel?"

"Diane, our daughter is right, you are a sick bitch."

"So, John, perhaps you can tell us all how this is making you feel?"

"I hate you. You're disgusting."

"And so you both feel that the best way to describe how you feel about me is to hold back on the cranberry sauce?"

"This is not about cranberry sauce. You don't seem to understand you have ruined our lives. You have ruined this boy's life. We hate you. We hate you. Now what have you got to say about that?"

"Interesting. Now how would you both feel if I asked you to pass the mashed potatoes?"

I'm not defending the sex shrink, but I will make this point. Just about every man who has gone to see an attractive female shrink has, at one point in the process, fantasized about having sex with his shrink.

The same is true with women who have spent any time with an attractive male shrink.

I'm sure that shrinks, when they go to shrink conventions, talk about this stuff all the time.

There is a shrink joke that I can't for the life of me remember, but I remember the punch line where the shrink says:

"Don't be silly. I shouldn't even be lying next to you on this couch."

The fancy phrase that is used to describe this process is "erotic transference."

Let me translate "erotic transference" for you. It means, "Gosh, I've told this person more intimate things about myself than anyone else in the world, so wouldn't it be nifty if we went to bed."

I can't speak for shrinks, but I would guess they suffer from erotic transference, too.

Wouldn't you think that sooner or later they'd sit there and say, "Gosh, this person has told me more intimate things about themselves than they've told anyone else in the world. I wonder what it would be like to go to bed with him (or her)."

I know there are many people who will read this column and say to themselves, "What a sick puppy this Della Femina guy is."

All I can tell you is that if enough of you write me about this, I will have to seek professional help to cure myself of these warped opinions.

Perhaps I will have to consult a shrink.

I would bet Diane DeMartini-Scully will have plenty of openings in her schedule.

I know . . . I know . . .

She's too young for me.


If you wish to comment on "Jerry's Ink" please send your message to jerry@dfjp.com.

  1. print email
    you're the funniest guy in the world
    November 20, 2012 | 03:03 PM

    Good story, Jerry, but please stick to the Obama-bashing -- it's way funnier.

    Love your column.

    Gail Klein
    New York, NY

    Gail Klein
  2. print email
    Don't Shoot the Messenger
    November 20, 2012 | 07:10 PM

    Jerry ... I disagree with Gail Klein. Your continued Obama-bashing will be very boring, pointless, and probably not much fun. He is, like it or not, the President of the United States for the next four years and there's nothing really funny about that!

    Much more fertile ground for you to cultivate in your forthcoming "Jerry's Ink" columns would be Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell in The Senate; with John Boehner and Nancy Pelosi in The House. They are the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" regarding America's future no matter who is president.

    Moreover, they'd give you great new material to have fun with instead of the same old tired Obama crap, which I think has run its course from a writer's and reader's point of view.

    Hope you dig in and take my advice. Best, Bill Crandall

    Bill Crandall
  3. print email
    he's still the funniest guy in the world
    November 20, 2012 | 07:16 PM

    Dear Bill:

    Sorry, but some of Jerry's fans just can't get enough of his brilliant Obama-bashing. But, I agree, he is the POTUS for the next 4 years and there really is nothing very funny about that.

    Gail Klein

    Gail Klein
  4. print email
    Reply to Gail
    November 20, 2012 | 07:35 PM

    Gail ... Thanks for your reply to my commentary. I work(ed) for Jerry and we are good friends. So there's no question in my mind about his brilliance. And the fact that he is a Republican and I am Democrat has never come between us. In fact, we actually have fun with it.

    This is more a question of balance at a given point in time - like right now!

    The U.S. Congress is on trial for the next four years and I think we should hold Reid, McConnell, Boehner and Pelosi directly responsible for what unfolds. Sure the President can "veto", but that gets us nowhere.

    As Don Imus once famously said back in the '70s. "What this country needs is more Americans!"

    Regards, Bill

    Bill Crandall
  5. print email
    changing the subject
    November 21, 2012 | 11:37 AM

    And as Burt Bacharach and Hal David once famously said back in the '60's, "What the world needs now is love!"

    Happy Thanksgiving!

    Gail Klein

    Gail Klein
  6. print email
    Bill C and Gail K
    January 12, 2013 | 08:26 PM

    You should both get a room! From argument come passion...

    Mighty Mouse
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