• Is it safe to come out yet?
• Can you believe there are still Republicans who believe Romney lost because he wasn't conservative enough?
• Has anyone seen Donald Trump?
• Did we Republicans really think we could tell Latinos that we were going to round them up and throw them and their children out of the country unless they "self-deported," but while they were here would they be nice enough to vote for and help elect a Republican president?
• Is it true that the Tea Party is trying to have Marco Rubio deported under their "The only good Latino is a deported Latino" manifesto?
• Would anyone like to buy some "Rick Santorum in 2016" buttons?
• In 2016, if David Petraeus goes on television, looks into the camera, bites his lip and says, "I did not have sex with that woman, Paula Broadwell," do you think he can get the Republican nomination for president? Or does that only work for Democrats?
• Would anyone like to buy some "Rick Perry in 2016" T-shirts?
• How far up their a--es are some ultra-conservative Republican heads, if they have already started to knock Chris Christie, the only candidate we Republicans really have in 2016? Christie chose to do his job as Governor and concentrate on the people of his state who were hurting. And yes, he said "Thank you" to Obama when he came to help New Jersey. Since when are good manners a political liability?
• Have you heard my plan to save the Republican Party in 2016? Here's how it works: We have a sharpshooter following every Republican candidate. The minute any old white guy Republican candidate starts to give his views on rape, the sharpshooter is authorized to shoot the old white guy in the head.
• Would anyone be interested in buying some "Newt Gingrich in 2016" balloons?
• Have you heard the old joke which is the basis of my plan to survive the next four years by taking advantage of the Obama system? Here it is:
A couple, both well into their 30s, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse? We need your feedback!"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is also amazed that the couple is asking for sexual advice, so he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says good-bye.
The next week, however, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.
Finally, after five or six weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married, and we can't go to her house. I'm married, and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $125 a day for a room. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and . . . I get $43 back from ObamaCare."
• If I knew what was going to happen (Jerry's Ink, June 2011) when I wrote this, why am I so depressed?
"Let me say there is no way Obama won't be re-elected in 2012. You can take that to the bank.
"Obama already has New York, New Jersey, California, Illinois, Pennsylvania, Massachusetts, Michigan and probably Ohio in his pocket.
"Let's add up the votes.
"Obama will get 99 percent of the black vote. Liberals and Democrats will tell us this is 'acceptable' racism. The only black person who will vote against Obama in 2012 is Justice Clarence Thomas.
"Obama will win the vast majority of the Latino vote and that's OK because Republicans have shot themselves in the foot on immigration. The Latino vote will win Obama the swing state of Florida. The only chance Romney has in Florida is to run with a Latino vice president. His choices are Marco Rubio or Jennifer Lopez. I say he should go with Lopez.
"Obama will get 100 percent of the Liberal vote. Liberals will moan and groan about broken promises and still pull the lever for him. Liberals love feeling like victims.
"Obama will get the union vote. Forget what happened in Wisconsin. Think of the unions in Ohio and Michigan pushing for more Obama freebies.
"Obama will get the gay vote.
"Obama will be endorsed by 95 percent of the media.
"And finally we come to the Democrats.
"Let me first state that some of my best friends are Democrats. They are political zombies. They keep coming. They never cross party lines. They will vote Obama back in no matter what shape the economy is in."
• NOTE: Mitt Romney is a good man. He would have made a great President. But in this day and age no candidate can be elected when he has ultra-conservative Republicans dragging him down by his shoulders while Democrats nip at his heels. Something has to change or we'll never win another election.
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