September 12, 2012

Jerry's Ink


I am so happy I watched Obama's speech at the Democratic convention. He cleared up something that has been bothering me all my life.

It turns out I didn't fail when I failed geometry four years in a row at Lafayette High School. Yes, I went from a 47 average in my first term down to 38 average in the last term.

But I didn't fail.

Everyone failed but me.

It was the fault of my teachers that I was obtuse about acute triangles.

It was the fault of my fellow students who studied hard and got better marks than me.

It was the fault of my parents who were silly enough to believe me when I promised them that I was going to master geometry and change the world.

It was the fault of Lafayette High School, which had the nerve to give up on me just because I failed geometry four years in a row.

And most of all it was the fault of Arthur Krazinsky, who got a 98 in geometry.

There is no reason why Arthur Krazinsky needed that 98. Yes, I know he worked hard and did his homework while I screwed around and never picked up a book. But I deserved my "fair share" of his points. So if he gave me 30 of his points we would both have a passing 68 mark.

I think that's not just fair. I think that's Obama fair.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

I'm starting to think my fellow Republicans are too dumb to win this election.

There is a great documentary that finished last weekend in the top 10 at the box office. It's writer/director Dinesh D'Souza's 2016: Obama's America. I saw it two weeks ago and believe me, it's a most revealing documentary about Barack Obama and the direction he wants to take this country.

It has a great advertising line: "Love him or hate him, you don't know him."

Why don't Republicans or one of their PACs buy a commercial-free hour and a half on prime network time and put the movie on the air for millions to see.

They should put a bundle behind advertising it. I guarantee it will have an effect on the presidential race.

Will the Republicans do this?

Probably not. Then they will wonder why they lost the most important election in our lifetime.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Did anyone stop and think that maybe God didn't want his (or her) name on the Democratic Party platform in the first place?

As someone said, this was the Democratic convention that booed God but cheered a woman who wants you and me to pay for her contraception.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Sandra Fluke says if the government doesn't give her free contraception it's part of the Republican war on women.

OK, here's my fantasy: It's 2016 and I see two young people in the back seat of a car, making out. The action gets hot and heavy. Then she utters those words every red-blooded American boy can't wait to hear: "Do you have something?"

He answers, "No, I don't have 'something.'"

"But," she says, "the United States government sends you 15 free condoms every month."

He says, "I . . . er . . . er . . . I used them all in the first 15 days of the month. How about you? Don't you get free birth control pills from the government?"

"Yes I do, but I'm out because I'm sharing my free birth control pills with my sister who isn't eligible to get free birth control pills until she's 16."

They both agree the Democrats were right in 2012. Men getting just 15 free condoms a month and women not being able to get free birth control pills until they're 16 years old is part of the latest Republican war on men and women.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Let me get this straight: In 1980, when Ronald Reagan dismissed all flight controllers and replaced them with flight controllers from the military and other sources, Americans got on board a plane without uttering a peep, even though the plane was being guided by flight directors who weren't as experienced as the professionals who were dismissed.

Now the NFL has replaced striking football referees with referees from college and people are screaming bloody murder. "We can't allow this to happen. It's the end of the world. They can't do this to us," they whine. "It will ruin football."

Replacement flight controllers? Fine. Replacement NFL referees? Never.

What a country.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

So during the same convention where Democrats tried to prove there was a Republican war on women, Democrats trotted out, among others, Bill Clinton and film of the late Teddy Kennedy and tried to get us to believe that Republicans don't honor women like Democrats do.

All they needed was a duet between Monica Lewinsky and the ghost of Mary Jo Kopechne singing, "All we are saying is give piece a chance." No, that wasn't a spelling error.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

I'm in complete agreement with Chris Matthews and the rest of those fine Americans at MSNBC when they say that when we Republicans say "Chicago" at the same time we say "Barack Obama" it's shorthand and it's a racist statement.

This is like the dog whistle that only dogs can hear.

Chris, what you don't realize is there are so so many cities that are secretly racist in jokes. Take San Diego – it ends with an "o" and it sounds like "dago." It hurts my heart when a Democrat says it. It's shorthand for prejudice against Italians.

And Cleveland we all know is shorthand for a racist remark against Native Americans. Just think of the Cleveland Indians.

This is great because what follows is a great racist joke by me that no one can ever nail me on:

Chicago . . . Chicago . . .Obama. . . . Detroit. . . Detroit . . . Detroit . . . Barack . . . Newark . . . Newark . . . Newark . . . Barack . . . Philadelphia . . . Obama . . . New Orleans . . . New Orleans . . .

Funny, eh?

If you wish to comment on "Jerry's Ink" please send your message to jerry@dfjp.com.

  1. print email
    Back to the Future
    September 11, 2012 | 07:03 PM

    Hi Jerry ... Always love your columns. Especially your anecdote in this one about the young couple in the back seat of a car discussing their necessary preparations under ObamaCare.

    What you for got to mention is, if Romney wins, they'll probably be in the back seat of a '57 Chevy. Your pal always, Bill

    Bill Crandall
  2. print email
    September 12, 2012 | 10:40 AM

    Amazing! So true. Thank you SO much!

    Janet Galea
  3. print email
    September 12, 2012 | 11:25 AM

    sandra fluke wants her health insurance provider to pay for her birth control. She doesn't want you to pay for anything. Imagine, health insurance paying for people's medicine! Shocking!

  4. print email
    tax loop holes that will fix our economy
    September 12, 2012 | 12:33 PM

    Hey Jerry- I would love an article about Governor Romney's position on how tax loop holes and tax breaks will balance the budget. I don't think Mr. Romney really knows how many other countries are on the payroll.Because we all know we need more in defense spending?? And it would take his foreign policy plan to explain how he would rid us of these expenses.I haven't heard any thing on that front. Just saying.... Sandra Fluke really?

    Your friend,

    Gerry Hayden

    Gerry Hayden
  5. print email
    Jerry, you ought to run for office - Truth In Advertising!
    September 12, 2012 | 01:50 PM

    See the subject title, it says it all.

  6. print email
    Romney will lose, worse campaign since Dole
    September 13, 2012 | 11:07 PM

    He will lose, no matter what he does at this point and the republicans will never take the white house again

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