Recent news reports are once again focusing on testosterone as a big factor in the perpetual war that we fight against aging. There has been a great deal of success prescribing it to women. I'm on vacation so I'm dragging out an old column I wrote about testosterone some years ago where I told the inside story on the evils of testosterone and the truth about men.
Men are contaminated from the day they reach puberty by testosterone, which causes them to do unspeakable things.
Men think about sex all the time. They just don't think about sex with their spouses when they think about sex. What I'm about to reveal is word-for-word true.
A few years ago, I was driving with a male acquaintance of mine. The subject of marriage came up. My friend, who has been married for 12 years, revealed to me that lately he's been feeling like he is "cheating."
"What do you mean you feel like you've been cheating?" I asked.
"Well, ever since I got married to Jane (not her real name), whenever we have sex I fantasize that I'm with a woman who works in my office."
"You have fantasized about this other woman for 12 years?"
"Yes," he replied.
"And now you finally feel unfaithful to your wife for doing that?" I asked incredulously.
"No," he answered. "The fact is that in the last few weeks, I've stopped fantasizing that I'm with the woman at my office and now I'm fantasizing that I'm with this beautiful woman who just joined my tennis club, and so I kinda feel that I'm being unfaithful to the woman I've been fantasizing about for the last 12 years."
If you're a woman reading this, don't make the mistake of asking a man if this is true. He will assure you that it is certainly not true of him. Don't believe it. Men lie.
On the positive side, testosterone increases sexual desire. On the negative side, men will do and say anything while they are under the influence of the testosterone poison.
Here's a joke that most women will tell you is the truth.
It sums up the attitude of most men. Not me, mind you. Not politically correct, sensitive-to-a-fault me. But, alas, just about every other man.
It seems this couple occupied two separate beds in their large bedroom. One night they came home and both retired to their beds.
The second the light was out, the husband, feeling a surge of testosterone, started his baby talk.
"Lovey-dovey, hubby-wubby wants his little sweety-weety to come to his bed. Daddy-waddy wuvs his little sweety-weety."
As the woman left her bed and crossed the room she caught her foot on the rug and she fell flat on her face.
The husband said, "Did lovey-dovey hurt her pretty little nosey-wosey? Hubby-wubby is sooooo soooo sorry. Lovekins, sweetheart, let me kiss that pretty nosey-wosey all better."
The woman went to her husband's bed and they made passionate love. When they were finished, the husband immediately started to fall asleep so the woman climbed out of his bed and headed for her own bed. Once again, in the middle of the room, she caught her foot on the same spot on the rug and fell flat on her face.
The husband lifted his head from his pillow and muttered, "Clumsy bitch."
Isn't it about time that some smart pharmaceutical company came up with a testosterone modifier? A powder a woman could sneak into a man's oatmeal to have him act like a lamb instead of an ass?
Men have discovered Viagra and products like it and they brag and boast to each other about their new-found hardness. But do men really get it? No!
They still don't understand that it's not about hardness – it's about tenderness. But testosterone is never about tenderness.
As I was writing this, my wife, the beautiful Judy Licht, looked over my shoulder and said, "This is my favorite column. It's time a man told the truth about men. You're not like that are you?"
I looked her right in the eye and said, "Would I be nutty enough to reveal myself this way if that were true?"
Judy left the room smiling. I held my breath until she was gone. That was a close one. For a second I was worried she could hear the torrent of testosterone gushing and flooding through my veins.
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