September 12, 2007
GEORGE W. BUSH AND MY DOG OREO'S FLATULENCE
Now, I may be the last person standing who believes in George W. Bush, and I believe he will be treated a lot better by history than he is being treated now.
Of course, I'm older than dirt and I've lived through a lot of presidents.
Eisenhower (Republican) was called "Dumb and Lazy and only interested in golf."
Kennedy (Democrat) was called "Brilliant."
Johnson (Democrat) was called "Brilliant."
Nixon (Republican) was called "Drunk, Dumb and Conniving."
Ford (Republican) was called "Dumb" (and he was).
Carter (Democrat) was called "The Most Intelligent President in History."
Reagan (Republican) was called "Dumb and Clueless."
George H.W. Bush (Republican) was called "Dumb."
Bill Clinton (Democrat) was called "Brilliant."
George W. Bush (Republican) was called "Dumb."
Are you beginning to see a pattern here?
The minute a Republican is elected president the "dumb" stories start. Forget that since 1952 Republicans have been elected to the presidency about twice as many times as Democrats, and the so-called "Dumb" Republican presidents since Eisenhower have helped bring about the greatest economic growth and world power in this country's history. In the case of Reagan, he was the "Dullard" president whose strategy merely brought down the Iron Curtain.
It's amazing that the Democratic candidates in 2008 are all being touted as being "Brilliant."
As a Republican, I feel sorry for Rudy Giuliani and John McCain and even Mutt, er, Mitt Romney. They have just 14 months left before the election to be perceived by this generation as being smart. Should one of them be elected president, their IQ apparently will drop by 100 points the minute they step into the White House and stay that way until the historians take over, a hundred years from now.
It's different for Democrats. Take that Israel-hating prig, Jimmy Carter. He was the worst president in history, but Democrats still speak of Carter's intelligence in hushed, respectful tones.
The person I will feel the best for, should by some miracle (Hillary and Barak fall in love and run off together. Joe Biden is caught stealing a speech that was made by Winston Churchill in 1936 and John Edwards has a bad hair day) he be elected, is Dennis Kucinich (D) Ohio. It would be wonderful watching Democrats, The New York Times and CNN spin their "He's So Brilliant" jazz around this little jug-eared jerk.
OREO STRIKES AGAIN
I've asked for help with my dogs in this column before. When Mocha was alive, a woman reader suggested that every time Mocha peed on our rug I should throw him into the pool. That was a disastrous solution, but I'm ready to ask for help again.
This time it's Oreo, who has turned into a farting machine.
It's not noisy, but out of nowhere one is overwhelmed by this incredible odor. This week is Fashion Week, so my wife, The Beautiful Judy Licht, is working what seems like 24 hours a day. She is, as my wonderful son-in-law John Kim said, interviewing hundreds of gay men and women with eating disorders. I'm left alone.
My first crisis was on Saturday, when I had to go to a wedding all by myself and couldn't figure out what "Festive Dress" meant on the invitation. Who the hell invented that term?
On Sunday, I decided to take Oreo for a walk on Madison Avenue. I ran into a woman I know who took one look at Oreo and said, "What a cute little dog." She then knelt to pet her and that's when Oreo let one loose. The smell hit the woman first and I saw a look of pain on her face. By the time it came up to me I looked down in horror at the woman. Did she think it was me? Of course the woman was thinking I thought it was her. It's that silent stuff that's so deadly. I started looking at my shoe. "Did I step on something?" I asked too loudly. "Maybe it was me," she said looking at her heel. Oreo just stared at the two of us. Can dogs smile? I thought she had a smile on her face.
Then I said, "It could be the cheese. I've been feeding her sliced Velveeta cheese as a treat."
"Oh," she said, "I have a problem when I eat cheese." Now this is a very attractive woman and this was more than I wanted to know about her digestive system.
Oreo let loose again. The woman looked like she was going to throw up. "I think I had better go now," I said. The woman, holding her breath, said, "I'm late." "So am I," I said, and after an awkward second, which seemed like an hour, we went our separate ways.
If you wish to comment on "Jerry's Ink," send your message to firstname.lastname@example.org.