July 19, 2006

Gossip & Whispers

Jon Stewart, the fake newsman with piquant wit on "The Daily Show," has a svengali-like effect on his North Haven neighbors. Far from being the loquacious though smarmy host he appears to be on television, Stewart in real life is a noted recluse, jealously guarding his privacy with all the tools at his disposal.

His neighbors in the quiet waterfront community — serviced by a single circular road that borders the peninsula — are even afraid to utter his name, as some sort of unspeakable curse has been cast, and to break the confidence would mean the death of all first-borns or even worse, the cable TV would go out.

Kandy and Spades found out last Sunday afternoon on a trip to the tony oasis. "Hey yo, we're looking for Jon," Spades shouted out to one local dork walking his dorky dog on a sunny afternoon.

"Jon who?" The wise guy replied.

"How many freakin' 'Jons' are there on this god forsaken flea ridden peninsula? I'm sure there are several 'Johns' but I'm asking you where Jon is," Spades responded.

The guy kept walking, his feet flapping like a seal.

Kandy tried next. "Excuse me, little lady," she said in her sultriest voice. "Jon's having a little to-do today and he asked — actually begged — me to drop by."

"I don't think the missus would cotton to someone like you," the inbred local with the bad teeth responded.

And on it went, all around the block. No one would give him up. Kandy, of course, undeterred, called her agent who got his agent who called a friend who knew someone who knew Stewart's people. Five minutes later, the call came: "He lives in North Haven," the caller said confidently. Duh.

Around and around and around . . . but no sign of the diminutive recluse. "Oh, he's here alright," one gentleman finally offered. "But none of us ever see him. He's kind of like a spirit. He's here, but you see right through him."

Oh. Kandy, who has trouble with all things spiritual (because, folks, she a stereotypical dumb blond) gave up the chase at that point.

It was that kind of weekend. Spades was hoping to meet his father's idol at the Sag Harbor Whaling Museum Surf Rider's benefit. Jimmy Buffet was supposed to be there, at least that's what the organizers said. But when it came right down to it, he was a no-show, unless, of course, he was there in spirit.

Sightings: Michael Bloomberg at Tidewaters . . . Rudy Giuliani and bride at the Hampton's Designer Show House . . . Kelly Ripa also attended with hubby in hand . . . "America's Top Model" judge Janice Dickerson danced all Friday night at the Cigar Bar in Sag Harbor. Damn, she thin. Yo girl, eat some food! "Oz" star Terry Kinney spotted in front of Starbucks in East Hampton on Sunday afternoon.

Rumor and Innuendo: If you were paying attention, you woulda read about the Peter Cook fiasco right here three weeks ago. That's because the 19 year old he was ogling is a friend of Kandy's friend, who told her sister's cousin who called her friend and e-mailed Kandy's cousin's friend who black-berried Spades who text messaged his buddy who was the girl's friend's sister. So anyhow, we got the scoop! Good for us! We're thinking, like, BIG raises for both of us. We're great!

Coming up: Polo. Professional actors paid to pretend they enjoy the smell of poop. Kandy goes to sip champagne, sneer at the rich prunes and dig the tight pants on the foreign players, especially that Brazilian. Spades goes to harass the hapless waiters, shoot the shit with the blue bloods and flirt with the little loverlies. It's funny — about once every summer they hit on each other by accident. What up wit dat?

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